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When Bryant was born and as he grew, through all the stuff he went through medically and school issues, people always marveled at my 'strength'. They would ask if I had sought counseling or whatever. The answer was no, because I was not, in fact, strong but by the Grace of God and through Bryant's incredible Spirit, I was always lifted up.
And Disney helped :)
Fast forward to now and the experience of the all too awful anxiety attacks, the first of which I had on the one year Anniversary of his birth after he passed. I did not see it coming and as described in older posts, I was knocked down, literally, and had a full out panic attack. Since that time, I have had a few others, coupled with horrific insomnia. I decided to seek help. My regular doctor was of no help at all as she told me that I could not medicate this away (all of that medical school for that useless information? really? I KNOW that much ....) okay and then she told me to exercise and perhaps journal. What a freaking laugh and a half. I journal all the time. Seriously, can I have MY MD now?
Seriously ... it would be funny if it wasn't so darn sad. So next up, I figured, okay, I would seek "real" help in the form of psychological counseling. I am going to continue blogging about this because it is so incredibly asinine and almost downright dangerous the stuff that goes on I think it bears at least a Blog or two about it. My good friend Trish has a Blog about her experience with her daughter and the help she has received. Once I figure out to how hyperlink I shall add it in (and when I get her permission :)
Okay, so I went and I have to say, my brother did in fact warn me with his "Psychiatrists/Psychologists are just drug pushers for the pharmaceutical companies" ... I figured let's see what they got. I mean having a full blown panic attack while driving cannot be a good idea.
I was meeting with a counselor for about six months or so, just useless yakking with really no actual help and then I would see the "drug pusher" who is licensed to give out meds. She is younger than me, just recently married and has no children. And she's not an MD she's a Psych Nurse. Yay me.
Here's the issue. Even if I had great insurance that covered mental health, you are pretty much sealing your fate if you 'shop' for doctors, particularly in a small community like I live in. They think you are just shopping for meds regardless of your medical history and whether or not you have ever had counseling before or been on any meds.
For me, I have never had counseling and never been on any meds. EVER. So you know, you'd think I'd be at least treated relatively normally. Not so. Rank & File. Into the "med room" with this Psych Nurse who doles out meds cicra "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest" ~ she is insistent that I try an anti-depressant even though I tell her I am NOT depressed. Probably more like a PTSD given what I did and saw, not just the day of Bryant's death but throughout his life. Many of the memories were compartmentalized and not brought up for review during his life-time because of the horrific nature and, more importantly, because he had survived them so why bring them up? After he died, well that's a different story.
Yet, if you follow this Blog, with the bad sad awful days, are the good ones, with good memories and lots of thankfulness for Bryant's incredible life. I am now aware of triggers, like the Feb - March time when it's at the worst level. So, I am just in the market for some insomnia / panic attack relief and would really like to manage it myself with say some type of anti-anxiety pills here and there.
However, I am told by this "psych nurse" that I must take the anti-depressants. I argue my case because I know so many people who do go on them only to be put on even more meds and more and more and more and really, when does it stop? And why go on something I really don't think I need? Because, she tells me, they are not addictive. Oh really? So they are safe to be on? Unlike say, Lorazepam or Xanax? Well how come just about everyone I know who is on an anti-depressant gets on these anti-anxiety drugs too? I mean is it like a Club that you join so you get the perks of Xanax because you agree to take Prozac? Well I am not buying it.
I know for sure that these meds have a place and they do help people. I am only speaking for myself, and perhaps, others who find themselves bullied into taking medications they really don't think they need. And for the record, I did try a couple of them and they did absolutely nothing except make me much worse and even more angry.
I wonder why the personality is not taken into account or really listened to. I thought I was making headway when I was assigned a new counselor for PTSD. The first session she taught me how to breathe through my nose if I had a panic attack. Even gave me a paper with directions on how to do this. The second visit I asked her if she had children. Nope. But, she did inform me, she had basically raised her siblings ... uh ... yeah ... see no ... that's not the same thing. Wow. Really? Oh My God. I am in serious trouble here if my counselor thinks she can even begin to understand what losing a child is like when she doesn't even have any but tells me she raised her siblings. Did any of them die I ask? No she says. Hmmmm... okay I don't get the analogy. I don't understand ... you know that Disney movie with Rattigan where he annoyingly scratches his head and tells the other mouse "YOU'RE NOT COMING THROUGH". that's what I wanted to say but I knew she would have no idea what I was talking about.
Back to the anti-depressants. My grandmother was put on them after my grandfather died. Then they added the other meds which follow suit because the issue was NOT depression, the issue was she missed my grandfather and nothing was going to medicate that away. Finally, she had like 7 or 8 meds by the time they were done and now we didn't know if her falling off the step stool at 3:00 a.m. was related to the meds or was it early Alzheimer's or what ...
My little 35 day experiment with the Zoloft resulting in bulging veins on the tops of my feet at 3:00 a.m. That seemed like a bad thing. I also tried the Mirtazapine one which basically did nothing. Now my Psych Nurse is pushing the Prozac. I also tried a little white pill but I forget the name of it. They didn't last ~ they did nothing at all. Oh except I gained 60 pounds in about 45 days. One would wonder how that could possibly be good? No end to anxiety? Weight gain? Swollen feet with bulding veins? Hmmmmmm.... WHO IS RUNNING THE NUT HOUSE?
Doesn't give me much faith in "try the Prozac" I mean what are we going to do? Try every single one? I told her, you know it's like my migraines, the abortive ones (meds) do not work. I need to go to sleep and basically sleep it off.
So I have considered just not going since obviously this "counseling" is a big fat joke. Drug pushers for the pharmaceuticals. Haha. At least for me. Again, I know they do help other people. But if I am telling the Psych Nurse and the pseudo counselor, hey, it's not working. The anti-depressants ARE NOT working ~ don't you think they should listen? You know what I got? The Psych Nurse told me she is trying to help me and I have to take the Prozac. Wow.
Stay tuned. I have an appointment Friday and I cannot wait to see what they say. I see both of them. I also have all my medical records from the office. I plan to keep very detailed records of this experiment and experience. The problem for me I guess is I know 'too much' from the experience I have had with Bryant's 20 years and doctors. Some were very good, the best ones, in fact, told me they had no idea what they were doing but we were gonna do it together. Work together. Bryant had no known syndrome and one of his doctors told me we were "flying by the seat of our pants". Bryant lived for 20 years. They said he wouldn't live 24 hours.
Sometimes it's beyond us. And sometimes we do know what is best for us. In the meantime, I am amazed at this world of Psychiatric Stuff. It's actually very disconcerting to see non-doctors handing out potentially harmful medication and insisting the person takes it, even when the person says it's not helping. Cue Nurse Ratchett.
When Bryant was born and as he grew, through all the stuff he went through medically and school issues, people always marveled at my 'strength'. They would ask if I had sought counseling or whatever. The answer was no, because I was not, in fact, strong but by the Grace of God and through Bryant's incredible Spirit, I was always lifted up.
And Disney helped :)
Fast forward to now and the experience of the all too awful anxiety attacks, the first of which I had on the one year Anniversary of his birth after he passed. I did not see it coming and as described in older posts, I was knocked down, literally, and had a full out panic attack. Since that time, I have had a few others, coupled with horrific insomnia. I decided to seek help. My regular doctor was of no help at all as she told me that I could not medicate this away (all of that medical school for that useless information? really? I KNOW that much ....) okay and then she told me to exercise and perhaps journal. What a freaking laugh and a half. I journal all the time. Seriously, can I have MY MD now?
Seriously ... it would be funny if it wasn't so darn sad. So next up, I figured, okay, I would seek "real" help in the form of psychological counseling. I am going to continue blogging about this because it is so incredibly asinine and almost downright dangerous the stuff that goes on I think it bears at least a Blog or two about it. My good friend Trish has a Blog about her experience with her daughter and the help she has received. Once I figure out to how hyperlink I shall add it in (and when I get her permission :)
Okay, so I went and I have to say, my brother did in fact warn me with his "Psychiatrists/Psychologists are just drug pushers for the pharmaceutical companies" ... I figured let's see what they got. I mean having a full blown panic attack while driving cannot be a good idea.
I was meeting with a counselor for about six months or so, just useless yakking with really no actual help and then I would see the "drug pusher" who is licensed to give out meds. She is younger than me, just recently married and has no children. And she's not an MD she's a Psych Nurse. Yay me.
Here's the issue. Even if I had great insurance that covered mental health, you are pretty much sealing your fate if you 'shop' for doctors, particularly in a small community like I live in. They think you are just shopping for meds regardless of your medical history and whether or not you have ever had counseling before or been on any meds.
For me, I have never had counseling and never been on any meds. EVER. So you know, you'd think I'd be at least treated relatively normally. Not so. Rank & File. Into the "med room" with this Psych Nurse who doles out meds cicra "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest" ~ she is insistent that I try an anti-depressant even though I tell her I am NOT depressed. Probably more like a PTSD given what I did and saw, not just the day of Bryant's death but throughout his life. Many of the memories were compartmentalized and not brought up for review during his life-time because of the horrific nature and, more importantly, because he had survived them so why bring them up? After he died, well that's a different story.
Yet, if you follow this Blog, with the bad sad awful days, are the good ones, with good memories and lots of thankfulness for Bryant's incredible life. I am now aware of triggers, like the Feb - March time when it's at the worst level. So, I am just in the market for some insomnia / panic attack relief and would really like to manage it myself with say some type of anti-anxiety pills here and there.
However, I am told by this "psych nurse" that I must take the anti-depressants. I argue my case because I know so many people who do go on them only to be put on even more meds and more and more and more and really, when does it stop? And why go on something I really don't think I need? Because, she tells me, they are not addictive. Oh really? So they are safe to be on? Unlike say, Lorazepam or Xanax? Well how come just about everyone I know who is on an anti-depressant gets on these anti-anxiety drugs too? I mean is it like a Club that you join so you get the perks of Xanax because you agree to take Prozac? Well I am not buying it.
I know for sure that these meds have a place and they do help people. I am only speaking for myself, and perhaps, others who find themselves bullied into taking medications they really don't think they need. And for the record, I did try a couple of them and they did absolutely nothing except make me much worse and even more angry.
I wonder why the personality is not taken into account or really listened to. I thought I was making headway when I was assigned a new counselor for PTSD. The first session she taught me how to breathe through my nose if I had a panic attack. Even gave me a paper with directions on how to do this. The second visit I asked her if she had children. Nope. But, she did inform me, she had basically raised her siblings ... uh ... yeah ... see no ... that's not the same thing. Wow. Really? Oh My God. I am in serious trouble here if my counselor thinks she can even begin to understand what losing a child is like when she doesn't even have any but tells me she raised her siblings. Did any of them die I ask? No she says. Hmmmm... okay I don't get the analogy. I don't understand ... you know that Disney movie with Rattigan where he annoyingly scratches his head and tells the other mouse "YOU'RE NOT COMING THROUGH". that's what I wanted to say but I knew she would have no idea what I was talking about.
Back to the anti-depressants. My grandmother was put on them after my grandfather died. Then they added the other meds which follow suit because the issue was NOT depression, the issue was she missed my grandfather and nothing was going to medicate that away. Finally, she had like 7 or 8 meds by the time they were done and now we didn't know if her falling off the step stool at 3:00 a.m. was related to the meds or was it early Alzheimer's or what ...
My little 35 day experiment with the Zoloft resulting in bulging veins on the tops of my feet at 3:00 a.m. That seemed like a bad thing. I also tried the Mirtazapine one which basically did nothing. Now my Psych Nurse is pushing the Prozac. I also tried a little white pill but I forget the name of it. They didn't last ~ they did nothing at all. Oh except I gained 60 pounds in about 45 days. One would wonder how that could possibly be good? No end to anxiety? Weight gain? Swollen feet with bulding veins? Hmmmmmm.... WHO IS RUNNING THE NUT HOUSE?
Doesn't give me much faith in "try the Prozac" I mean what are we going to do? Try every single one? I told her, you know it's like my migraines, the abortive ones (meds) do not work. I need to go to sleep and basically sleep it off.
So I have considered just not going since obviously this "counseling" is a big fat joke. Drug pushers for the pharmaceuticals. Haha. At least for me. Again, I know they do help other people. But if I am telling the Psych Nurse and the pseudo counselor, hey, it's not working. The anti-depressants ARE NOT working ~ don't you think they should listen? You know what I got? The Psych Nurse told me she is trying to help me and I have to take the Prozac. Wow.
Stay tuned. I have an appointment Friday and I cannot wait to see what they say. I see both of them. I also have all my medical records from the office. I plan to keep very detailed records of this experiment and experience. The problem for me I guess is I know 'too much' from the experience I have had with Bryant's 20 years and doctors. Some were very good, the best ones, in fact, told me they had no idea what they were doing but we were gonna do it together. Work together. Bryant had no known syndrome and one of his doctors told me we were "flying by the seat of our pants". Bryant lived for 20 years. They said he wouldn't live 24 hours.
Sometimes it's beyond us. And sometimes we do know what is best for us. In the meantime, I am amazed at this world of Psychiatric Stuff. It's actually very disconcerting to see non-doctors handing out potentially harmful medication and insisting the person takes it, even when the person says it's not helping. Cue Nurse Ratchett.
1 comments:
I didn't know that things were still this warped in mental hospitals until my experience. It seems the mentl health dept as a whole is still a bit backwards. I agree I think some things you just can't medicate away. You can numb it though....which is what has happened with me. Something will make me sad about Makily and I'll think of something else and just feel numb although have the urge to cry. It's very weird. I just blogged about it.
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