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*Blink Blink* Hi Bryant. It's Mommy. I had an incredibly dark week last week because it was the week of your birth which is always hard. Even during the darkest moments of last week I knew something was coming and although I have had some flashes of light, I know more is on the way. This is good news. Out of the darkness will come great enlightenment. I have always known that in order to move forward I have to feel and be in the moment for everything both the dark and the light for they co-exist.
So I had the bad week coupled with a mother of a migraine, complete with Aura and Ligthshow. Yippee for me.
I am not sure how coherent this post is going to be because my mind is on fire with words. I haven't slept as good as I've been sleeping in a long time, yet I feel extremely drained emotionally but also, conversely, energized and compelled to write. So here goes....
Whenever I tell anyone about you, the question that comes up the most is this Did you know anything was wrong when you were pregnant with Bryant?
The short answer is yes. I knew. Next up in the discussion is how you were not supposed to live 24 hours, yet somehow, I knew you would. Somewhere, somehow I knew, at least on some level. And the most bizarre thing was that I had some type of inner peace even within the absolute hysteria and crazed times. Again, it's like the two co-existed.
When you were laying there in your little isolette in the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit, I said to your father "He doesn't seem like a baby". It's like on some level I already knew you, was connected to you and this was some meeting of spirits that already were aware. It's difficult to explain in words but I knew you. Not just because I carried you for 9 months, it was something else, like a soul mate type of thing. Now most mothers would feel connected and I felt that normal mother thing, the maternal instinct kicked in big time. But there was something else.
As I continue along this journey without you physically present, it is becoming increasingly more obvious to me that you knew me too and, I believe, you are in fact a Spirit Guide. You definitely carried us when you were alive and you still do. So yesterday was a day full of all kinds of signs and confirmations. First off, I spoke to a long-time friend of yours "M" who I haven't spoken to in awhile. She told me that she speaks of you almost every day and you are always there with her. I was taken aback a bit but I remember she had told me that the morning you passed away, she was en route on a trip with her family and she had fallen asleep during the drive but somehow awoke and saw a sign that said "BRYANT" - she didn't think anything of it until she found out you had passed.
We also spent the Superbowl at your other friend's house "H" and she also speaks of you often and thinks about you. Same with your friend "C" who I see a lot as well. So you have me pretty well protected and surrounded by incredible love. People who mention your name with such love and purity ~ people who you knew, who you touched and that helps me so very much. I know I am not alone.
Now on to the other 'stuff'. I have been sleeping much better and last night I slept very well thank you. I had just wrapped up my reading of a book that was bizarre in the way it mirrored many of my dreams, most of which you have appeared in to explain stuff to me. I was absolutely freaking out because I was like OMG OMG OMG I posted that on my Blog. So I drifted off to sleep woke up around 7:00 a.m because Simba was attacking my head. Stupid kitten (but I love him....)
Unfortunately, Simba not only woke me up but snapped me out of a dream about you. I haven't had one in a long time (well relatively speaking) and this one, again was clear as day. In the dream, you and I were in some kind of race. I was pushing you in your chair (not your regular wheelchair but a different one). Somehow, your foot got caught on something and I stopped and you looked tired. I said "Bryant do you want to go home" and you shook your head yes and you said "I am done here, I want to go home". Cue the stupid kitten. Or maybe you did cue him. That was the message, the dream the information I needed. You looked tired in the dream but peaceful and very, very focused. You looked me straight in the eyes too. You were done. And you wanted me to understand that.
NOTE: Me and Simba and You (my necklace always on!)
I know Bryant during your life you accomplished so much and after talking to "M" on the phone about you and how much you have influenced people and continue to do it in ways I will only sometimes know, it is clear to me that you had 20 years and you used them efficiently.
I feel very tired now. It's hard for me because the words often fail me. They run around in my head and the clarity that I wish to convey does not always seem to come through. But I have to write it after it happens so I know exactly how I feel and so that maybe some day I can be more concise as to what is happening.
I do know for sure a few things. Last week I was in such darkness, I just wondered what is the purpose? I mean why bother? So after a long rant to God, again I drifted off to sleep, except I was 'almost' asleep when I saw this flash of white light (it wasn't really white there is just no other word I can use) and it was coming at me, almost like a snowball. It was unlike any color I had ever seen except to say "white" or clear or bright or whatever. It shocked me awake and left me shaking. I think that perhaps my lesson is that if you pray for light, well you will definitely get it.
I feel as though I have been propelled forward quite a bit. Again, the words run rampant in my head - bouncing around but eventually I know I shall corral them and it shall all make more sense. For now, it is a work in progress and out of the awful darkness of last week has come the most incredible light I have ever seen.
Most days Bryant I am amazed that I was chosen to have you in my life. I often wonder why? Not because of your medical issues but because you were such an incredible bearer of bright light. The journey into that question continues. But for now, I am fixated on your eyes ... the intensity of what I saw in my dream. And I thank you for that.
Love and I Miss you ~ xo xo Mommy
*Blink Blink* Hi Bryant. It's Mommy. I had an incredibly dark week last week because it was the week of your birth which is always hard. Even during the darkest moments of last week I knew something was coming and although I have had some flashes of light, I know more is on the way. This is good news. Out of the darkness will come great enlightenment. I have always known that in order to move forward I have to feel and be in the moment for everything both the dark and the light for they co-exist.
So I had the bad week coupled with a mother of a migraine, complete with Aura and Ligthshow. Yippee for me.
I am not sure how coherent this post is going to be because my mind is on fire with words. I haven't slept as good as I've been sleeping in a long time, yet I feel extremely drained emotionally but also, conversely, energized and compelled to write. So here goes....
Whenever I tell anyone about you, the question that comes up the most is this Did you know anything was wrong when you were pregnant with Bryant?
The short answer is yes. I knew. Next up in the discussion is how you were not supposed to live 24 hours, yet somehow, I knew you would. Somewhere, somehow I knew, at least on some level. And the most bizarre thing was that I had some type of inner peace even within the absolute hysteria and crazed times. Again, it's like the two co-existed.
When you were laying there in your little isolette in the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit, I said to your father "He doesn't seem like a baby". It's like on some level I already knew you, was connected to you and this was some meeting of spirits that already were aware. It's difficult to explain in words but I knew you. Not just because I carried you for 9 months, it was something else, like a soul mate type of thing. Now most mothers would feel connected and I felt that normal mother thing, the maternal instinct kicked in big time. But there was something else.
As I continue along this journey without you physically present, it is becoming increasingly more obvious to me that you knew me too and, I believe, you are in fact a Spirit Guide. You definitely carried us when you were alive and you still do. So yesterday was a day full of all kinds of signs and confirmations. First off, I spoke to a long-time friend of yours "M" who I haven't spoken to in awhile. She told me that she speaks of you almost every day and you are always there with her. I was taken aback a bit but I remember she had told me that the morning you passed away, she was en route on a trip with her family and she had fallen asleep during the drive but somehow awoke and saw a sign that said "BRYANT" - she didn't think anything of it until she found out you had passed.
We also spent the Superbowl at your other friend's house "H" and she also speaks of you often and thinks about you. Same with your friend "C" who I see a lot as well. So you have me pretty well protected and surrounded by incredible love. People who mention your name with such love and purity ~ people who you knew, who you touched and that helps me so very much. I know I am not alone.
Now on to the other 'stuff'. I have been sleeping much better and last night I slept very well thank you. I had just wrapped up my reading of a book that was bizarre in the way it mirrored many of my dreams, most of which you have appeared in to explain stuff to me. I was absolutely freaking out because I was like OMG OMG OMG I posted that on my Blog. So I drifted off to sleep woke up around 7:00 a.m because Simba was attacking my head. Stupid kitten (but I love him....)
Unfortunately, Simba not only woke me up but snapped me out of a dream about you. I haven't had one in a long time (well relatively speaking) and this one, again was clear as day. In the dream, you and I were in some kind of race. I was pushing you in your chair (not your regular wheelchair but a different one). Somehow, your foot got caught on something and I stopped and you looked tired. I said "Bryant do you want to go home" and you shook your head yes and you said "I am done here, I want to go home". Cue the stupid kitten. Or maybe you did cue him. That was the message, the dream the information I needed. You looked tired in the dream but peaceful and very, very focused. You looked me straight in the eyes too. You were done. And you wanted me to understand that.
I know Bryant during your life you accomplished so much and after talking to "M" on the phone about you and how much you have influenced people and continue to do it in ways I will only sometimes know, it is clear to me that you had 20 years and you used them efficiently.
I feel very tired now. It's hard for me because the words often fail me. They run around in my head and the clarity that I wish to convey does not always seem to come through. But I have to write it after it happens so I know exactly how I feel and so that maybe some day I can be more concise as to what is happening.
I do know for sure a few things. Last week I was in such darkness, I just wondered what is the purpose? I mean why bother? So after a long rant to God, again I drifted off to sleep, except I was 'almost' asleep when I saw this flash of white light (it wasn't really white there is just no other word I can use) and it was coming at me, almost like a snowball. It was unlike any color I had ever seen except to say "white" or clear or bright or whatever. It shocked me awake and left me shaking. I think that perhaps my lesson is that if you pray for light, well you will definitely get it.
I feel as though I have been propelled forward quite a bit. Again, the words run rampant in my head - bouncing around but eventually I know I shall corral them and it shall all make more sense. For now, it is a work in progress and out of the awful darkness of last week has come the most incredible light I have ever seen.
Most days Bryant I am amazed that I was chosen to have you in my life. I often wonder why? Not because of your medical issues but because you were such an incredible bearer of bright light. The journey into that question continues. But for now, I am fixated on your eyes ... the intensity of what I saw in my dream. And I thank you for that.
Love and I Miss you ~ xo xo Mommy
2 comments:
wow that is unbelieveable....big hugs and awesome! love you!
I was so happy to find this blog. Your strength and courage are an inspiration. Ten years ago this month, I lost my little girl. She was born with several issues - most we knew about before she was born. We had surgeries lined up and were prepared for the challenges that lay ahead. Six days later, however, she passed away. Devastating doesn't even come close to describing that day. Looking back, I can't believe I have made it this far. I held hope close to my heart and never let it go, and it was (and still is) a constant struggle. It is so vital to express your feelings and let every emotion flow-if not, it can consume you and bring you to a place that you may not be able to come out of. Stay strong and know that hope is all around you. Bryant is so lucky to have you as a mom!
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