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The dreams seem to come in stops and starts. They have started up again, not sure if it's the time of year, probably ... I keep wishing to stay dreaming in them to spend more time with you. Lately, they are more matter-of-fact and we are just doing our regular stuff and having a regular day and then the dread sets in, and I realize you are gone and that I'm dreaming and I have to wake up. I fight it.
It's kind of like in that movie with Christopher Reeve "Somewhere in Time" where he sees the penny and realizes he is going to leave and tries desperately to stop but he can't. I can feel that desperation in the dream as I start to realize it's a dream.
Anyway, today is February 28, and you were due on February 28th. You were born, of course, on February 1st, four week early but still, it's odd, every Febraury 28th I would think of "how it was supposed to go". You were supposed to arrive all well and healthy and certainly not sick and near death ... definitely not in the NICU for four months and all the stuff that went with it.
You took us on a very different journey than we had imagined and you decided to start it early as well :) Today is the second day of our February / Winter Vacation and we went to the Museum of Science. I used to go there all the time as a kid on MY school vacations ... and it's odd because even though it's always being updated, there are still remants of the old Museum of Science from when I was a kid, including the lobby where you stand in awe of the World to Come - the excitement of what awaits, new and old, in the Museum.
We went to the "Lightning Show". It's exactly the same as it was when we went with you. Strange how that is. I stood in the EXACT SAME SPOT I stood with you just a few years ago and I couldn't help but be transported back to that day. That's seems how life is, we stand in amazement of what's to come and yet in amazement of what has come. That aptly describes my life with you physically here and now with you not physically here.
It's painful a lot of the time Bryant I'll be honest. I would have much have preferred just keeping on keeping on ~ we had a good thing and I was just fine with it. So on days like this, reminded of what could have been or should have been just kinda smacks me upside the head AGAIN and makes me think of all the stuff, bad and good of the many years I was so lucky to have you with me.
As the kids ran around, I sat for awhile in front of a brain - it was made of yarn, someone knitted a brain - yes true story. And as the kids moved around the Exhibit of the Human Body and Imaging - it was just amazing to stare at the perfect yarn brain and think, yep Bryant's brain looked absolutely nothing like that. And yet, he was the smartest person I've ever met.
Yesterday, Liam had a playdate with a kid from school. The mom of the kid remembered you from many years ago at the Central School. What she remembered most was the clarity of your eyes and intesntiy of yours eyes and smile. That about sums the whole picture up Bryant. You were very wise, far beyond your years and very kind and loving. And that's what I miss so much. I am so unlike that. You were like the purifying force in my life that made everything okay and now, so much of the time, I am lost without you.
And then there are those glimpes of you when I know you really have not left me alone, nor has our God. He sustains me and continues to put up with my incessant rants and slowly but surely Bryant I am making some ground towards understanding and Grace. The worst of the worst is coming up with the impending Month of March when you left ... I dread it. But I am hoping that somehow, God will continue to see me through this as I grasp for gimpses of what is. Not what should have been or could have been, but what IS.
I love you ~ and I miss you 24/7 365 ~~ xo xo Mommy
The dreams seem to come in stops and starts. They have started up again, not sure if it's the time of year, probably ... I keep wishing to stay dreaming in them to spend more time with you. Lately, they are more matter-of-fact and we are just doing our regular stuff and having a regular day and then the dread sets in, and I realize you are gone and that I'm dreaming and I have to wake up. I fight it.
It's kind of like in that movie with Christopher Reeve "Somewhere in Time" where he sees the penny and realizes he is going to leave and tries desperately to stop but he can't. I can feel that desperation in the dream as I start to realize it's a dream.
Anyway, today is February 28, and you were due on February 28th. You were born, of course, on February 1st, four week early but still, it's odd, every Febraury 28th I would think of "how it was supposed to go". You were supposed to arrive all well and healthy and certainly not sick and near death ... definitely not in the NICU for four months and all the stuff that went with it.
You took us on a very different journey than we had imagined and you decided to start it early as well :) Today is the second day of our February / Winter Vacation and we went to the Museum of Science. I used to go there all the time as a kid on MY school vacations ... and it's odd because even though it's always being updated, there are still remants of the old Museum of Science from when I was a kid, including the lobby where you stand in awe of the World to Come - the excitement of what awaits, new and old, in the Museum.
We went to the "Lightning Show". It's exactly the same as it was when we went with you. Strange how that is. I stood in the EXACT SAME SPOT I stood with you just a few years ago and I couldn't help but be transported back to that day. That's seems how life is, we stand in amazement of what's to come and yet in amazement of what has come. That aptly describes my life with you physically here and now with you not physically here.
It's painful a lot of the time Bryant I'll be honest. I would have much have preferred just keeping on keeping on ~ we had a good thing and I was just fine with it. So on days like this, reminded of what could have been or should have been just kinda smacks me upside the head AGAIN and makes me think of all the stuff, bad and good of the many years I was so lucky to have you with me.
As the kids ran around, I sat for awhile in front of a brain - it was made of yarn, someone knitted a brain - yes true story. And as the kids moved around the Exhibit of the Human Body and Imaging - it was just amazing to stare at the perfect yarn brain and think, yep Bryant's brain looked absolutely nothing like that. And yet, he was the smartest person I've ever met.
Yesterday, Liam had a playdate with a kid from school. The mom of the kid remembered you from many years ago at the Central School. What she remembered most was the clarity of your eyes and intesntiy of yours eyes and smile. That about sums the whole picture up Bryant. You were very wise, far beyond your years and very kind and loving. And that's what I miss so much. I am so unlike that. You were like the purifying force in my life that made everything okay and now, so much of the time, I am lost without you.
And then there are those glimpes of you when I know you really have not left me alone, nor has our God. He sustains me and continues to put up with my incessant rants and slowly but surely Bryant I am making some ground towards understanding and Grace. The worst of the worst is coming up with the impending Month of March when you left ... I dread it. But I am hoping that somehow, God will continue to see me through this as I grasp for gimpses of what is. Not what should have been or could have been, but what IS.
I love you ~ and I miss you 24/7 365 ~~ xo xo Mommy
1 comments:
I am so glad you are seeing Bryant in matter of fact dreams - because he still remains in your life through them - he was so much part of your life - how could he not continue to be in your dreams, just there - not even thought of as different, and then all of a sudden realizing that it is different when you have to wake up - he doesn't leave you - he is there - I remember Cindy saying like that lady you were talking about that remembered Bryant, the first time and times after that, she remembered Bryant's eyes, so observant and discerning - not vacant like in some handicapped kids - very wise and full of personality - we realized that Cheryl, very early on, I think before any other outside person, ever did - that's why you put toys of special color in Bryant's crib for him to reach for - when they were saying he was blind - we saw personality and love of life in him through his smile and eyes - and through his body language - he was one to reconcile with too, when he was bored or tired with someone, he was very wise and smart -
we really had a wonderful child there and a wonderful young man in Bryant - We were blessed with that - and that's what made you go on and fight so much for him, because he was WORTH so much to fight for -
I pray this month will bring you happy thoughts and I know it will bring you pain that Bryant is not here to share all the joy and happiness that the family is having, the family is bringing their memories of him right along with them in their happiness and joy, because he is with them in their hearts and they carry him along - God knows the pain and agony that a parent feels from losing a child, he gave parents the gift of loving their children, and this system is imperfect and that gift is causing much heartbreak, because of the strong love we have for our children and losing them is such a disaster and tragedy - but Jehovah can comfort more than a mere person because he is Supreme and Almighty and he has showed that Christ Jesus can bring them back to show that we have not completely lost them, they are very much instilled in HIS memory - Love Grammy
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