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Double rainbow (photo), taken by us ... because it was so stunning and so beautiful, even through the clouds. "Rainbows are visions, only illusions and rainbows having nothing to hide". One of your favorite songs, or probably more likely my favorite song, from the Muppet Movie ~ Rainbow Connection.
Lately I have been very dark and closed. I seem to do so much better when I am open ~ that's when the dreams come, the signs and the Love <3 ~ so one would think the obvious solution to my recent misery would be to "be happy". Being open and being happy are different, although one can influence the other.
I was talking to a "professional" about intrusive thoughts and trying to change my thinking pattern and while generally of no use, she did say one thing that stuck in my mind. The thoughts are only intrusive if you don't want them. Well obviously I don't want thoughts about you not being here and dying. But without those thoughts, you will not exist. You lived and you died, just as well all will do. The issue is not the "thoughts" but more the spin on them.
So my new exercise in life is to welcome the thoughts and see how they relate to your Memory and my mental status. I must say I do feel that as of late I have been extremely selfish and ungrateful. And yes, I have discussed this with Jehovah. I have also marveled at the fact that Jesus walked this Earth. I've always known that and just accepted that he did and then he died and it was for us... but now I can actually picture it and his emotions and thoughts. Even though he knew he could change it and was going to change it, still he felt pained for our condition.
Jesus also celebrated Life and most importantly, Faith. So I have been big on bugging God & Jesus lately and of courses the Holy Spirit to help me. And not just 'relieve' me of pain, but to help me understand. The Apostle Paul asked for his hardship to be removed and it was not. So I think of that and think that and why? It could have easily been removed, I mean the Apostles were healing everyone else it seemed. The point was that, while God does not want us to suffer, sometimes out of the suffering comes a greater good. You already knew that and were at peace with it and I think that revelation that I had the other night, coupled with the white light, has definitely shown me at least some of the 'answer'.
The thing is, the signs are everywhere. The answers are too. But sometimes I guess I am so caught up in my own self, I don't listen or more importantly, wait for the guidance. The white light thing was especially stunning. It almost felt like God was actually throwing it at me. I was definitely NOT going toward it, it came fast and furious towards me, almost like it was hurled and I will tell you, it shocked me. There was no mistaking it. Almost as if God said, Ok, you want a sign? Really? Check this!
I also know I have had a lot of dreams, very real specific dreams and other things ~ yet for some reason it's not enough. I slip back into despair and neediness .... guess that's being human. The spirit is strong though Bryant. Like yours. Well okay, maybe that's wishful thinking. Definitely not as strong as yours.
I know your life was a miracle. I prayed incessantly for you to live. 24/7 all the time!
The picture above is me holding you so close and praying, praying so hard you would live. The next one looks like you're saying "Shhh ... it's ok Mommy". I remember this picture and wondering if you were trying to say something ... but of course you were only 1 month old, so you know, I dismissed it. But I hear ya now. You always saw and heard. It was your Gift and you shared it.
So I hope I can make it through the next month Bryant. I will be listening, watching and waiting :)
xo xo Mommy
Lately I have been very dark and closed. I seem to do so much better when I am open ~ that's when the dreams come, the signs and the Love <3 ~ so one would think the obvious solution to my recent misery would be to "be happy". Being open and being happy are different, although one can influence the other.
I was talking to a "professional" about intrusive thoughts and trying to change my thinking pattern and while generally of no use, she did say one thing that stuck in my mind. The thoughts are only intrusive if you don't want them. Well obviously I don't want thoughts about you not being here and dying. But without those thoughts, you will not exist. You lived and you died, just as well all will do. The issue is not the "thoughts" but more the spin on them.
So my new exercise in life is to welcome the thoughts and see how they relate to your Memory and my mental status. I must say I do feel that as of late I have been extremely selfish and ungrateful. And yes, I have discussed this with Jehovah. I have also marveled at the fact that Jesus walked this Earth. I've always known that and just accepted that he did and then he died and it was for us... but now I can actually picture it and his emotions and thoughts. Even though he knew he could change it and was going to change it, still he felt pained for our condition.
Jesus also celebrated Life and most importantly, Faith. So I have been big on bugging God & Jesus lately and of courses the Holy Spirit to help me. And not just 'relieve' me of pain, but to help me understand. The Apostle Paul asked for his hardship to be removed and it was not. So I think of that and think that and why? It could have easily been removed, I mean the Apostles were healing everyone else it seemed. The point was that, while God does not want us to suffer, sometimes out of the suffering comes a greater good. You already knew that and were at peace with it and I think that revelation that I had the other night, coupled with the white light, has definitely shown me at least some of the 'answer'.
The thing is, the signs are everywhere. The answers are too. But sometimes I guess I am so caught up in my own self, I don't listen or more importantly, wait for the guidance. The white light thing was especially stunning. It almost felt like God was actually throwing it at me. I was definitely NOT going toward it, it came fast and furious towards me, almost like it was hurled and I will tell you, it shocked me. There was no mistaking it. Almost as if God said, Ok, you want a sign? Really? Check this!
I also know I have had a lot of dreams, very real specific dreams and other things ~ yet for some reason it's not enough. I slip back into despair and neediness .... guess that's being human. The spirit is strong though Bryant. Like yours. Well okay, maybe that's wishful thinking. Definitely not as strong as yours.
I know your life was a miracle. I prayed incessantly for you to live. 24/7 all the time!
So I hope I can make it through the next month Bryant. I will be listening, watching and waiting :)
xo xo Mommy
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