My own personal rip current AKA Grief

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Yes.  I am writing another entry about waves and the ocean.  I found this little tidbit of information about rip currents, which is my present thought process right now ... my analogy for how things are going in the Grief Department.

Rip currents are terrifying because they catch you off guard: One minute you're bobbing along peacefully in the surf, the next you're being dragged out to sea at top speed. They occur in all sorts of weather and on a wide range of beaches. Unlike violent, crashing waves, you probably won't notice a rip current until you're right in the middle of it.

Well anyone who knows me and my situation with losing my son, Bryant, will immediately understand why that paragraph is so profound.  I did a post awhile back on "The Waves of Grief" and how I almost got myself killed by a rip current in FL.  I was reading on line that rip currents kill more people than hurricanes, tornadoes and lightening storms per year.  Really?  That is freaking staggering.  Good thing I wasn't on a quiz show because my money woulda been on hurricanes or tornadoes.

But these rip currents are just like Grief.  I mean in the beginning, you are so numb to it, you just are almost in a bubble type wrap mentally, at least I was for about the first year.  As it got nearer to the 1st Year Anniversary of Bryant's death and even closer to his birthday, I was about to be schooled in rip currents as they relate to grief.  The dullness of the mental trauma was wearing off and slowly the reality of the horror was beginning to settle in.  Yet it caught me completely off guard.  The next thing I knew, I was on my knees in a full blown panic attack.  I have had a few since then, nothing to compare to that first one until the other day when I was driving.  Now having a panic attack while driving is really not a good thing.   Part of me was taking my pulse to be sure it was still there and the other part was saying "perhaps taking a break might be in order here ..." while my head was on fire screaming this awful horrible (inaudible) scream.  I guess you could say my SOUL was screaming.  That's how it felt.

I have explained the feeling as that of my spirit fighting against my physical body and almost trying to escape.  It's a horrid awful terrible feeling.

Now on to the rip currents.  I am wading slower this time, because in a few days, we will be at February 1st which is Bryant's birthday.  I had gone into labor / hospital on January 31st so for me, the whole event is drawn out longer which means more time being dragged about ....

Then, if that wasn't bad enough, he died in March.  I have also written extensively on that and will again once March rolls around.  Bryant died during the Spring Equinox which is interesting to me and I shall Blog about that in March but for now, I am on the look-out for the rip currents and more importantly what the "F" I can do about them.

I would not categorize my life now as "bobbing peacefully' but there are times when I do let the good happy memories take over and there I am, sort of peaceful, or as close as I ever think I will get to it.   When Bryant died, part of me died as well.  It's kind of like birth, you give birth and new part grows in your heart.  Well let me tell you, when your child dies, part of you dies with them.  Sometimes it's a pretty big chunk of your heart and there are times when my entire heart feels dead. 

Some people will say it's a choice and you can either choose to be miserable or choose to move on.  That is such a load of crap it's almost funny if it wasn't such a lie.   It's like saying "Hey you won't get caught in a rip tide if you just wish upon a star" - you know, hello?  I can't wish away the rip currents anymore than I can wish away the death of my son.  So now what?  Now I have to "deal with it".   Just like you would if you were caught in a rip current.  The advice is this:

Rip currents are anomalous occurrences, but they are born out of ordinary, everyday ocean waves. On the most basic level, you can think of ocean waves as travelling fluctuations in water level. Some external force (usually the wind) pushes on the ocean, creating a swell of water, which is passed along the ocean's surface. The energy of the wave, which may be built up by additional wind pressure, is passed from water molecule to water molecule. The water itself doesn't actually travel; only the energy keeps going  The resulting rip current sucks in water from the basin and spits it out on the other side of the sandbar.

So there I am, stuck in a rip current, stuck in grief or overpowered by it.  There is no way to see it coming generally, and even if I do see it or know it, the strength of it only seems to increase.  Here's what to do in an actual rip current:

To survive a rip current, or any crisis in the water, you have to keep calm, and you have to conserve your energy. If you don't think you can swim all the way back to the beach, get past the rip current and tread water. Call for help, signal to people on the beach and, if all else fails, wait for the waves to carry you in

Oh and the other helpful advice?  Don't go into the water alone.  This is definitely helpful to know in the Grief Arena and I have found that to be true.  I have found some extremely supportive people who I can call or who can call me and just "know".   But the advice of keeping calm?  Conserve your energy?  How is that possible when you have other people telling you to "move on" and "get over it" or looking around like "are we still talking about this?  I mean hasn't he been dead like 3 years".  Yeah that's kind of not helpful.  Sometimes I think these type of people are actually the rip current on top of the Grief rip current.

A lot of us in this awful circle have found ways to move along with Grief and to really grasp that this is not something you will ever fully recover from, at least for me, not until I see Bryant again.   When Bryant died, as he lay in the funeral home, I leaned over and whispered in his ear "My heart beats for both of us now".  Actually, my heart always did beat for Bryant ~ and for my other kids .... that's just how it is when you are a mom to such incredible little people who grow up and become adults.  Bryant did make it that far, but he had so much more time left that should have been his.

I think the lesson I have learned and the reason I compare this to a rip current is that you are never "out of the water".  Ever.  There are times when all is good and peaceful and beautiful, but there is always there lurking, the possibility of being pulled down and under.   I will tell you, that those times are dark, very dark times.  I never knew such awful places existed within the human experience.  And those are the times when you need that helping hand to get back up - or maybe not even a goal that lofty.  Maybe just a helping hand so you can tread water for awhile.  That's actually what if feels like a lot of the time and even that is exhausting.

Bryant loved the beach.  He loved life.  He loved me and he loved his father and he loved his sisters and his brother.  We miss him so much and the passing of time does not dull that even a little bit.  It's like being stuck in two time periods.  Time stopped in 2009.  Forever.   But it also went on and so I guess I live fluctuating or vacillating between the two.

I am thankful for the parts of my heart that remain alive.  They have names - Emily, Julia and Liam.

And my heart does still beat for Bryant ~ just like I promised him.  I love you Bryant and I miss you, xo xo ~ Mommy.

(Info about the rip currents is from www.howstuffworks.com)