Well Bryant, it's Fall.  Probably your favorite season.  Emily and I put together the above collage / picture of you and some other incredible people who were gone from this physical world much too soon.

I have had a couple dreams about you.   One was really good.  In it, you were racing around in your wheelchair, free as a bird, and I was chasing after you.  You always delighted in doing that to me, making me run after you to make sure you were okay and you'd just laugh and let the wind go through your hair.  That's how the dream was.  You had a HUGE smile on your face and you'd slow down just enough to let me catch up to you so I could kiss your head and then you'd be off again.  I wish it was real.  I mean it was real, we did do that, you loved flying around in that chair.  You made sure life never slowed you down.  Wish I could do the same.  I feel that I am just adrift ~ not really chasing anything anymore.  Just kinda stuck.  As the poem says above, some days I feel like I am moving forward, but generally the backwards day seem to outnumber, or at least, gang up on me and send me in such a tailspin.

The other dream was more complicated.  In it, "they" whoever that is, called to tell me you had died.  I went to see you and the "nurse" and were crying, saying "WHY BRYANT" because you were so happy and full of life.  Grammy was in the dream and she was trying to reason with me, saying odd things, maybe because she didn't want to see the incredible hurt and pain.  Then, Memere appeared and said you were okay and you would be together.  You know, I can barely get through typing this without crying and it is emotionally draining to even think about it.  But in the dream, even though I was crying, it seemed that I was accepting it and then with Memere saying to me that you were okay, well it seemed calming.  So it started off as a nightmare, me running to the hospital and ended up more of a calming feeling.

Emily made a gorgeous collage of you and Disney with her when we used to go.  I wonder if I will ever make it back there.  Anyway, the collage / pic is great and your smile is just incredible.  You always were happy. I miss that Bryant.  I miss your being here and it seems like everything is just in pieces.  I try to pick them up, but they crumble.  It's like this past weekend, I went to the Beach alone and looked for sand dollars.  I found one almost right away and picked it up.  Then I saw another and went to pick it up but it just crumbled in my hand.  And that's what it's like for me.  I go to pick up the pieces and sometimes, I can get one but the majority are just crumbling more ... it's not a lot of fun.

And fun, that's what you were.  Your sister has decided to be a psych major.  I think you would approve.  I know she misses you too and I am so angry that we have to go through this as a family.  Julia is pretty good at the clarinet and has decided to take up the Cello.  I can only imagine how you would have loved the music :)  And Liam.  He's just a ball of energy, like you.  He's starting Flag Football on Sunday.  It's amazing to me, because he's just such a social butterfly like you.  He's just always looking to do something and I just wish I could muster up the energy I had with you.  I need help with that.

So I asked God for wisdom.  Like Solomon.  Not that I am going to get what Solomon had, that's for sure, but hey, it doesn't hurt to ask. I thought of all the things I would wish for (besides having you back here) and wisdom is what I need.  I need to be able to know or see what to do next.  When you were here with me, it was always crystal clear and now I am just stumbling from one day to the next.  Sucks.  I will tell you, though, I have found some solace, grace and repose with my other Angel Moms.  It's safe with them and that has been a tremendous help.

So that's it for now Buggy.  I love you more than words could ever say and I hurt more than words could ever say.  Ever.  There are no words for it.

xo xo Mommmy

DAMAGED.....


Hey Bryant!

So much going on.  I know I haven't blogged in awhile.   There are a few reasons.  Okay, so let's catch up.   Sadly, your cousin and friend, Chet, died in August.  It was sudden and awful.  He was always your good friend, you and he telling jokes to one another or sending a little smirk each other's way as if to say "Yeah I know what you're thinking!".  Friends like Chet & Kath are hard to find.  It was extraordinary difficult for me to attend the Service but I knew I had to go for Chet and Kath & Erin.  They are hurting and unfortunately I know all too well the sadness and intense grief.   However, the comfort eventually comes in a life-well lived with few regrets.  Not a cure, certainly not at all, but some comfort and peace.  That's what gets me through most days.

I have had a couple of extremely difficult days.  I have felt so damaged, almost too much so to go on.   I have become increasingly angry at the fact that you are gone.  So I have had to march myself up to bed and go to sleep.  I think what has happened to you and how you're not with us and there are days it so overwhelming I don't think I can go on.  Now, I know, you would be very, very disappointed.  Funny how fast lessons are un-learned.  Your incredible life and spirit and willingness to try anything new, your profound ability to read people and communicate, your almost endless patience and love ~ and most of all your honest and true spirit which glowed almost.  You had a 'thing' about you which attracted people to you.  Like a shining Star.  Flashing that smile ~ well who wouldn't miss having that in their life.

Today is the first day of school for Julia and Liam.  We went school shopping yesterday.  Grammy is here until tonight because of the Funeral for Chet.   So she has been here a week and we have talked about you a lot.  Emily and I are already back in school, can you believe your sister is a JUNIOR in COLLEGE?  And guess what?!  She finally declared a major - Psychology.  Fits her perfectly!  I have decided to pursue business. 

I have been able to see Hana a lot over the Summer.  We talk about you as well quite a bit.  She said she will never meet another Bryant <3   How true.  You are a one-of-a-kind Mister!  And we miss you.

It's Quiet in the House today.  The kids went off to school and Emily is at her class.  Grammy is getting ready so we can take a ride to see Uncle David.  We went to your cousin's football game yesterday, he's the Quarterback!  We were cheering and screaming so loud.  You would have loved that!

I talked to Grammy a lot about how it would have been good for me to have gone to College straight out of high school - but I guess my school was really the School of Bryant for 20+ years.  And I would not trade that for anything.  You know there's a song, "Timing is Everything" and it reminds me so much of you and what life would have been like without you or without knowing a Spirit Guide like you.  I suppose my incredible misery at your Loss sums it up best.

So onward I go.  Yet, another song breaks through quite a bit.  This one is the one which would best describe the past few weeks particularly the lyrics from "Broken" by LifeHouse:

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

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So hopefully the next few weeks won't be as bad.  I will have more time alone at home though when I'm not in class or at work.  I am going to have Julia home but she is self-directed as you know.  She has mastered the Clarinet and now moved on to the Cello.  And Emily is busy with school and her life, which is the way it should be.  All these things are good things.  Liam had a soccer camp and is going to do flag football.  All good things.  But I am barely breathing Bryant, a lot of the time.  Falling apart.  Feeling weak and almost broken and shattered.  Perhaps it is part of the healing phase - although I do believe I am permanently stuck in the Anger phase.  Damaged, for sure.  Healing?   Kind of.  And definitely Bryant, hanging on, just to see what you'll throw my way.  In your name I do find meaning.  I love you Bryant and miss  you so much.  We all do.

Love you ~
Mommy xo xo