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Sunday, June 26, 2011
More Summer Stufffffff & Rainbows
Wow, it's been awhile since my last post. Of course I think of you constantly. What's new? Hmmm - let' see. Well Julia graduated from 6th Grade. You know how New Boston makes a big deal of it, which is good. The Awards Ceremony was like 3 hours and thankfully Julia won like 5 Awards so I wasn't completely bored silly. There was Patrick, he was in his wheelchair watching the whole thing and I marveled at how he sat through the whole thing (3 hours, did I mention that)? And I was thinking, sheesh, Bryant woulda been outta there by minute five. But then as I came around (to try and get better pictures of Julia) I saw Patrick had mounted on his chair a little mini dvd player. HAHHAAHHAHAHA! Yeah, you woulda liked that. So he wasn't really watching the Awards thing, he was watching his own movie stuff. Just like you used to do. So awesome. But it made me stop, again, in my tracks to realize that you are gone. I had those reminders. Even though it did make me smile because he reminded me of you and your tricks, I still was caught off-guard, a rush of emotions that I wasn't really happy to have at that moment.
As you know, most of my moments are that of intense anger and it just continues to grate. I miss you so much. So anyway, after the Awards Ceremony, that night was the actual Graduation. I saw Ashley there and I hugged her and told her I still have that pic of you and Bryant and you know what? She told me that she has it too, in her room, framed. Again, caught off-guard but in a good way. For a moment I was transported back to those NBCS days of crazy fun and antics you and your friends would pull off. I always looked forward to those days, picking you up and hearing of your latest adventure. So happy memories....
So now - the real news. We traded the van. It was a surreal day. The night before was actually the worst. I thought I might actually have a break-down and need to be hospitalized. It was really bad. Those days come infrequently, but when they do, the grief is almost too much to bear. It is physically exhausting and it is just as if I am drowning ....
Concurrently, I found a group of young guys in Indiana (high school) who have taken on the task of refurbishing wheelchairs for kids who otherwise couldn't afford them (power chairs). So I thought wow, I should donate Bryant's chair. It has been sitting here doing nothing and I finally found a place for it. They are going to use it for someone who needs it. I am so happy for that because that wheelchair gave you so much freedom. Of course, I enlisted the aid of Jan, who was happy to help us get it shipped to them. She was our greatest ally when you got your first chair. When we dropped it off, I was able to stay in conrol for the most part, thank goodness of my emotions. The guy who used to work on your chair came out and he got a little teary-eyed. You guys used to pull pranks and stuff while he'd work on your chair and you'd tell jokes to him. Anyways, he is this big strong tatooe-d guy, pony tail and all and he was saying how much he remembers and how they all miss you being in there. They think of you all the time the staff said. That's how you were and still are, such a beautiful wonderful spirit.
All kinds of other stuff has happened. Let's see, I went shooting for the first time in like 25 years. Emily was suppoesd to go with me but she was too busy with Eric in Disney, your favorite place. I am still nervous about going back there, but Emily did it and I think we will go in October. Anyhoooo..... one of Emily's friends answered my facebook invites to go with me and we had a blast (excuse my silly puns ...). It was a lot of fun. You'd be proud of me.
Then, our stupid rescue dog escaped. She ran off into the woods and never came back. I put an ad in the newspaper and called all the vets / rescue places and nadda, nothing. Finally, I printed up a picture and put it at Dodge's and within a day got a call. She was in the slammer in Francestown. haha. You would be so amused. She (the dog) met up with a porcupine during those five days. While we were away in May, Nate watched the house for us. He has a hunting dog so he met beulah, etc. Anyway, I called him and was like HELP!!! So he came over and helped us get the quills out of the stupid dog. We talked about you and we laughed about your antics. Everyone misses you so much...
I had lunch with Christine and we talked about you. You are just everywhere Bryant. Everywhere. For that I am eternally grateful. Life just seems to be in fast-forward a lot of the time. I have been looking into the "Superman Theory" and
Transcendentalism- which is a group of ideas in literature and philosophy that developed in the 1830s and 1840s as a protest against the general state of culture and society, and in particular, the state of intellectualism at Harvard University and the doctrine of the Unitarian church taught at Harvard Divinity School. Among the transcendentalists' core beliefs was the belief in an ideal spirituality that "transcends" the physical and empirical and is realized only through the individual's intuition, rather than through the doctrines of established religions."
This line:
So shall we come to look at the world with new eyes. It shall answer the endless inquiry of the intellect, — What is truth? and of the affections, — What is good? by yielding itself passive to the educated Will. ... Build, therefore, your own world. As fast as you conform your life to the pure idea in your mind, that will unfold its great proportions. A correspondent revolution in things will attend the influx of the spirit. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
That just reminds me of life with you and how through you, through the Eternal Greatness of God and His Ultimate Wisdom, he allows a glimpse of perfection. The perfection of the Huamn Spirit and Soul. And that's what you are to me. Of course, having you here was much easier ~ now without you physically present it is impossible at times though I try. Day by day Bryant. I marvel at how strong you were. What courage and incredible strength you had. And how lucky I have been to be present for that. To see it.
Back to the Anger. So I miss it. I miss you. I miss everything about the life we had. And then, a glimpse, like the Rainbow, that yes, God is understanding the pain. King David lost his son; Job lost 10 of his children. None ever got "over" it. So I know, on a cognitive level all of this; but there are times like described above when it is just too much. I am grateful eternally as I said for the friendships you forged and how you did not leave me alone in that.
Summer is here, we will be frequenting the beach, which you loved soooooo much. Daddy had a Reunion yesterday with his side of the family and many never knew you. They only knew you were in a wheelchair. Sometimes people feel sorry for us and it is almost beyond comprehension to me because you were such a Gift. But, again, you have to be able to transcend to see it. To really grasp it. So, I told them about you. My audience enthralled to know all you did, all you accomplished. Feel sorry for us? For Bryant. Ha, that is quite amusing to me. I remember how that used to bug me and then I would recall you and your attitude towards it. You had no time for that, for the doubters ... you had time to live and you did it with the ferocity that is unmatched by most.
Emily is like that and she continues to amaze me. She loves you so much. She wears the pendant from you all the time. Julia talks about you and writes about you as well; and Liam, well he's still young and wonders when you will come home. He knows someday we'll see you again and he thinks literally at his age. I wish I could be like that somedays ....
And then I think of it, the Rainbows you bring and show and how brief they are but how beautiful and amazing they are, no matter how many you've seen. That's how your life is ... still.
Miss and Love you Always,
Mommy xo xo
As you know, most of my moments are that of intense anger and it just continues to grate. I miss you so much. So anyway, after the Awards Ceremony, that night was the actual Graduation. I saw Ashley there and I hugged her and told her I still have that pic of you and Bryant and you know what? She told me that she has it too, in her room, framed. Again, caught off-guard but in a good way. For a moment I was transported back to those NBCS days of crazy fun and antics you and your friends would pull off. I always looked forward to those days, picking you up and hearing of your latest adventure. So happy memories....
So now - the real news. We traded the van. It was a surreal day. The night before was actually the worst. I thought I might actually have a break-down and need to be hospitalized. It was really bad. Those days come infrequently, but when they do, the grief is almost too much to bear. It is physically exhausting and it is just as if I am drowning ....
Concurrently, I found a group of young guys in Indiana (high school) who have taken on the task of refurbishing wheelchairs for kids who otherwise couldn't afford them (power chairs). So I thought wow, I should donate Bryant's chair. It has been sitting here doing nothing and I finally found a place for it. They are going to use it for someone who needs it. I am so happy for that because that wheelchair gave you so much freedom. Of course, I enlisted the aid of Jan, who was happy to help us get it shipped to them. She was our greatest ally when you got your first chair. When we dropped it off, I was able to stay in conrol for the most part, thank goodness of my emotions. The guy who used to work on your chair came out and he got a little teary-eyed. You guys used to pull pranks and stuff while he'd work on your chair and you'd tell jokes to him. Anyways, he is this big strong tatooe-d guy, pony tail and all and he was saying how much he remembers and how they all miss you being in there. They think of you all the time the staff said. That's how you were and still are, such a beautiful wonderful spirit.
All kinds of other stuff has happened. Let's see, I went shooting for the first time in like 25 years. Emily was suppoesd to go with me but she was too busy with Eric in Disney, your favorite place. I am still nervous about going back there, but Emily did it and I think we will go in October. Anyhoooo..... one of Emily's friends answered my facebook invites to go with me and we had a blast (excuse my silly puns ...). It was a lot of fun. You'd be proud of me.
Then, our stupid rescue dog escaped. She ran off into the woods and never came back. I put an ad in the newspaper and called all the vets / rescue places and nadda, nothing. Finally, I printed up a picture and put it at Dodge's and within a day got a call. She was in the slammer in Francestown. haha. You would be so amused. She (the dog) met up with a porcupine during those five days. While we were away in May, Nate watched the house for us. He has a hunting dog so he met beulah, etc. Anyway, I called him and was like HELP!!! So he came over and helped us get the quills out of the stupid dog. We talked about you and we laughed about your antics. Everyone misses you so much...
I had lunch with Christine and we talked about you. You are just everywhere Bryant. Everywhere. For that I am eternally grateful. Life just seems to be in fast-forward a lot of the time. I have been looking into the "Superman Theory" and
Transcendentalism- which is a group of ideas in literature and philosophy that developed in the 1830s and 1840s as a protest against the general state of culture and society, and in particular, the state of intellectualism at Harvard University and the doctrine of the Unitarian church taught at Harvard Divinity School. Among the transcendentalists' core beliefs was the belief in an ideal spirituality that "transcends" the physical and empirical and is realized only through the individual's intuition, rather than through the doctrines of established religions."
This line:
So shall we come to look at the world with new eyes. It shall answer the endless inquiry of the intellect, — What is truth? and of the affections, — What is good? by yielding itself passive to the educated Will. ... Build, therefore, your own world. As fast as you conform your life to the pure idea in your mind, that will unfold its great proportions. A correspondent revolution in things will attend the influx of the spirit. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
That just reminds me of life with you and how through you, through the Eternal Greatness of God and His Ultimate Wisdom, he allows a glimpse of perfection. The perfection of the Huamn Spirit and Soul. And that's what you are to me. Of course, having you here was much easier ~ now without you physically present it is impossible at times though I try. Day by day Bryant. I marvel at how strong you were. What courage and incredible strength you had. And how lucky I have been to be present for that. To see it.
Back to the Anger. So I miss it. I miss you. I miss everything about the life we had. And then, a glimpse, like the Rainbow, that yes, God is understanding the pain. King David lost his son; Job lost 10 of his children. None ever got "over" it. So I know, on a cognitive level all of this; but there are times like described above when it is just too much. I am grateful eternally as I said for the friendships you forged and how you did not leave me alone in that.
Summer is here, we will be frequenting the beach, which you loved soooooo much. Daddy had a Reunion yesterday with his side of the family and many never knew you. They only knew you were in a wheelchair. Sometimes people feel sorry for us and it is almost beyond comprehension to me because you were such a Gift. But, again, you have to be able to transcend to see it. To really grasp it. So, I told them about you. My audience enthralled to know all you did, all you accomplished. Feel sorry for us? For Bryant. Ha, that is quite amusing to me. I remember how that used to bug me and then I would recall you and your attitude towards it. You had no time for that, for the doubters ... you had time to live and you did it with the ferocity that is unmatched by most.
Emily is like that and she continues to amaze me. She loves you so much. She wears the pendant from you all the time. Julia talks about you and writes about you as well; and Liam, well he's still young and wonders when you will come home. He knows someday we'll see you again and he thinks literally at his age. I wish I could be like that somedays ....
And then I think of it, the Rainbows you bring and show and how brief they are but how beautiful and amazing they are, no matter how many you've seen. That's how your life is ... still.
Miss and Love you Always,
Mommy xo xo
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