Just found this on you tube!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwdaL18q6Oo

Spring/Summer 2011

Sunrise - St. Augustine Beach

I found a real sand dollar!!!!!

Well Spring has officially arrived, at least on the calendar.  It's been rainy all week and we are in the middle of  May.  It reminds me of 2009 the year you left us; it was dismal the entire summer and it certainly matched my mood, that's for sure.  The rain doesn't bother me that much; I know eventually it will get better and we'll have nicer days / weather.  Kind of like life.  Bitching & Moaning isn't gonna change it; you have to just accept it and try and make the best of it.  There was a quote today in the paper and put it on my facebook status because it reminded me of  you.  It says:

To fear love is to fear life and those who fear life are already three parts dead". Bertrand Russell

Definitely how you lived your life, no fear.

So we went to the beach in Florida.  We stayed in a condo right on the beach.  You would have loved it.  It was gorgeous to watch the waves and be in the sun, but there was a whipping wind that would come, probably to annoy Emily and her hair and it just made me smile; not because it messed up Emily's hair but because you loved the wind.  You used to put your arms out to it and embrace it, almost.  We also visited Spring Hill, which you know I refer to as Spring Hell, which defines our life there.  It wasn't all bad as Grammy consistently points out, I mean we did get Disney passes and enjoyed visiting Disney as often as we could in the 10 months we lived there.  10 LLLOOONNNGGG HHHHOOTTTTTTT months.  It's been cold and rainy here as I have already said; but it's also humid so you feel all yucky and stuff; remember, that's how it was in Spring Hill.  Never a breeze, always hotter than hell, and the ground was brownish unless you were independently wealthy and also not afraid to get a 'ticket' for watering your lawn on 'off' days.  Having a sprinkler system didn't help much when we were banned from watering and then on the days we could we ended up with a $300 water bill.  No wonder everyone lets their lawns go brown.

Our lawn here in NH is now green and lush.  Everything is green.  Wet, but green.  There is color again, almost like coming out of a black and white movie into color.  The lilacs and the other early bloomers, tulips and apple tree flowers, etc.  Daddy has been out doing lawn stuff and the area we made for you "Butterfly Alley" is sure to attract those beautiful creatures.

We got a dog.  A rescue.  She's cute.  You would have liked her.  I wish we had her when you were here, maybe we could have been alerted that something was wrong and we could have stopped the horrific event of you leaving us.  Maybe not, someday we'll have the answer to it and it won't matter because when we have the answer we will be re-united - no more death and dying.  Just love.  God's Grace.  But still, I try not to let those thoughts possess and  haunt me; yet there are days when they do.  I have no regret, except for that, I wish I could rewind the clock and be awake to save you.   Then my mind drifts into the other obvious line of thought ~ we all die and maybe you really were tired.  That's what Dr. Spivack said.  You were done.  I will have to say you did more in 20 years than most people accomplish their entire lives and you continue to touch and inspire.  So I guess that's where the trail ends ... and then my mind eventually recycles the whole thing until I end up with the same basic conclusion .... I miss you sooooo much.

I don't know Bryant how you did it.  Always smiling, always gracious, so kind.  It does make one wonder about miracles and the spirit and soul and how you seemed to just personify joy, love & perfection.  You never hurt anyone you never hated, you always brought joy and smiles and happiness.   Even in awkward situations, your voice would be there, telling a joke to put someone at ease.  That time you were so sick at Boston Children's and the maid came in to clean and you said "Ola" using your Spanish.  She nearly jumped 10 feet!  I remember that clear as day.  She said "He knows Spanish".  And I said "Yeah he knows some basic stuff mostly from Sesame Street".   And she brought all her friends in and you just said "Ola" and other stuff to them and they spoke back to you and I just watched in wonder.

It's hard for me Bryant not to hate and be bitter and angry.  Some days it is just so incredibly frustrating and I am just so angry.  So so so so angry.  I hate that because it the nemesis of who you were and as I sit here typing this I can barely breathe, my chest is tight and I am just so mad so freaking angry that you had to leave.  I know it's selfish and I know you did so much, taught so much, so why isn't that enough?  Some days it is.  Other days, like now, it's not.

You would be incredibly proud of Emily though.  She's amazing.  Thank God for Emily.  She has become like my best friend, which is interesting ~ I mean she's my daughter of course, first but she's just such an amazing young woman and I know she is going to do great stuff.   Same with Julia.  She's still quite hyper and kind of a mini-me; but she is also going to do so well; she already is.  She won her school's Geography Bee and she is always making me proud - even when I'm yelling at her for whatever.  I see myself in her.  And Liam.  Wow, your baby brother.  He's getting big Bryant.  Sometimes I can see you in him, but mostly I see you in Emily. 

Enough about that.  Back to my rant.  So I cry, alone always when I cry. No one sees it, but I suppose putting it out on a blog on the Internet will not change much; most people probably could have guessed that.  I cry because I cannot believe how much I miss YOU.  Everything YOU.   It's hard to live for so long with God's Glory, a Living Miracle and then have it taken away.  I also know I should be grateful and I am for having the miracle for 20 years.

March sucked hard core, I'll tell you that. I could not believe it when I heard Kathy died.  Almost to the day of your passing by two years.  How weird is that?  God.  She was such an inspiration, that's for sure and I remember how much you loved her.  And how much she loved you.  They had a slide show of her life playing at her Service, which we attended and there you were, in a slide on her lap with Emily.  You guys had so much fun. I used to leave the house to do errands and wonder what mischief you three would get into ... it was always something fun.   Not that I'm not a fun mom, I was fun in different ways, just not in doing craft-stuff. 

I have seen Christine.  She was able to have a nice get-away with her husband - she looks great, as usual.   Ditto Hanna.  She always looks great.  We are thinking maybe of going to Prague with her (Emily and I) if it's possible.  I think you'd find that amusing.  Nate watched the house and the stoooooppppidd cats while we were away.  It's funny how you left me, not alone; but with friends who remember so much about you, so much good.

We were thinking of hitting up Disney for a day while in FL but decided against it.  I need to plan it out so I have time to process and really do it right.  It was our place Bryant and it will be forever ours.  So many memories, all happy ones.  I remember getting home from Disney and starting to plan the next trip right away!  Your eyes would light up and you'd just love every second of life, whether at Disney or even at your sickest.  Come on, how many people are like that.  You are a hard act to follow.  I am so weak compared to you Bryant.  I still wonder and think "Why was I given such an incredible miracle" a testament to the Greatness of God.  Not everyone sees it that way, of course.  But I did.  A glimpse of perfection in such a great disguise.

So I guess I will try and be strong - which I suck at.  Year Two is a suck out loud year.  I think the first year was such a shock that it didn't seem real.  Now it's more real and more miserable.  We are hoping to donate your wheelchair to this school that makes wheelchairs from donations for kids who need chairs.  You would be all over that.  I really hope we can do it. I know that would be a great tribute to your life.

Well that's it for now.   You are always with me.  I never try and forget, I always have you on my brain, sitting there ~ wondering why..... knowing the answers are so clear and obvious - everyone dies.  But not everyone lives.  Not like you did.  So you win :)   I am now on a quest to find the C22C song where you and May sing and Carl plays the music.  When I find it, I will upload a video .... stay tuned.

Love and Miss You Zuckerman,

Mommy xo xo