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Bryant ~ I think you would be quite pleased with the past few nights ... Julia played her clarinet in the Band Concert on Tuesday and her Cello (above picture) on Wednesday. I also went to a Dinner with High Hopes on Tuesday night (tough juggling the two but I did ok!). I think you would be proud of the progress so far ...
Lately the night have been a bit better. Still no super good dreams but the nightmares have let up. I hope that's for good because I will not miss them. The nights are still by far the hardest, but I do think my Anger is being to subside, maybe I hit an all-time high, not sure, we shall see. Baby steps. Sometimes in reverse. A lot of falling down. Getting back up. Some days, just plain staying down and letting those emotions have their say as well.
All the emotions do seem to 'speak' to me, the issue, which is quite important, is listening. As everyone knows, I am not great at listening, much better at 'doing'. But I think now is the time for quiet reflection and listening. I am considering a 24 hour meditation, perhaps over the Holiday Break. This will require a quiet place for me and no interruptions. Much easier typed than done I am sure . But I do think I am in great need of quiet and stillness now, to listen and perhaps, get the answers to my endless petitions.
I have never really found peace in quietness; but I have never had to. Life with you was out loud, all the time, no stopping.
So now, it's a strange thing for me to even contemplate the reasonableness of this. I have made multiple supplications and rants, raves, screamfests, and am ready for the answer(s). Not really sure if I will necessarily agree with the answers, but they are worth listening to ... and perhaps may send me in the direction of further questions for more searching ... I am sure it's an on-going process.
Perhaps the deafening pace at which I am going is not sustainable (I am pretty sure that is Truth) and that in order to continue along this journey, I need to select a path. I feel like I am jumping from here to there on different paths without really going anywhere. All the words bounce around my head, dancing with a frenzy that is sometimes, more often than not, loud and confusing. I try and focus them, and try and settle them, but it's almost like they just break free and run amuck in my head. Generally it's because I am talking to myself in my head and answering my own questions, which is not working out well. Therefore, the meditation.
Christine has been so helpful. She has always been a "do-er" more than someone who says a lot. And I am thinking that perhaps I can reflect that if I really work on stilling myself, at least temporarily. You were also a "do-er" and I was able to reflect your love and goodness ~ it was able to at least somewhat tame my inner craziness with the endless words and super-highway in my head. The emotions go up and down, from euphoric at times to utter despair and sometimes all within the same hour, never mind day.
So I will let you know how this works out. It is finals week and I am straight out with that. So hopefully after this weekend I can begin a new line of study into quiet reflection. Julia is amazing with the Cello Bryant and I know you would have been with us, front and center at the Theatre at the High School, applauding the show. You loved music and it's really a tribute to you when I hear the beauty of it and see it personified within your siblings. We all miss you so much ~ and you are never far away (if ever away at all) from my thoughts.
Love you xo xo ~ Mommy
Bryant ~ I think you would be quite pleased with the past few nights ... Julia played her clarinet in the Band Concert on Tuesday and her Cello (above picture) on Wednesday. I also went to a Dinner with High Hopes on Tuesday night (tough juggling the two but I did ok!). I think you would be proud of the progress so far ...
Lately the night have been a bit better. Still no super good dreams but the nightmares have let up. I hope that's for good because I will not miss them. The nights are still by far the hardest, but I do think my Anger is being to subside, maybe I hit an all-time high, not sure, we shall see. Baby steps. Sometimes in reverse. A lot of falling down. Getting back up. Some days, just plain staying down and letting those emotions have their say as well.
All the emotions do seem to 'speak' to me, the issue, which is quite important, is listening. As everyone knows, I am not great at listening, much better at 'doing'. But I think now is the time for quiet reflection and listening. I am considering a 24 hour meditation, perhaps over the Holiday Break. This will require a quiet place for me and no interruptions. Much easier typed than done I am sure . But I do think I am in great need of quiet and stillness now, to listen and perhaps, get the answers to my endless petitions.
I have never really found peace in quietness; but I have never had to. Life with you was out loud, all the time, no stopping.
So now, it's a strange thing for me to even contemplate the reasonableness of this. I have made multiple supplications and rants, raves, screamfests, and am ready for the answer(s). Not really sure if I will necessarily agree with the answers, but they are worth listening to ... and perhaps may send me in the direction of further questions for more searching ... I am sure it's an on-going process.
Perhaps the deafening pace at which I am going is not sustainable (I am pretty sure that is Truth) and that in order to continue along this journey, I need to select a path. I feel like I am jumping from here to there on different paths without really going anywhere. All the words bounce around my head, dancing with a frenzy that is sometimes, more often than not, loud and confusing. I try and focus them, and try and settle them, but it's almost like they just break free and run amuck in my head. Generally it's because I am talking to myself in my head and answering my own questions, which is not working out well. Therefore, the meditation.
Christine has been so helpful. She has always been a "do-er" more than someone who says a lot. And I am thinking that perhaps I can reflect that if I really work on stilling myself, at least temporarily. You were also a "do-er" and I was able to reflect your love and goodness ~ it was able to at least somewhat tame my inner craziness with the endless words and super-highway in my head. The emotions go up and down, from euphoric at times to utter despair and sometimes all within the same hour, never mind day.
So I will let you know how this works out. It is finals week and I am straight out with that. So hopefully after this weekend I can begin a new line of study into quiet reflection. Julia is amazing with the Cello Bryant and I know you would have been with us, front and center at the Theatre at the High School, applauding the show. You loved music and it's really a tribute to you when I hear the beauty of it and see it personified within your siblings. We all miss you so much ~ and you are never far away (if ever away at all) from my thoughts.
Love you xo xo ~ Mommy
2 comments:
Dad and I have just read your blog - We are so sorry we cannot get the video of Julia's Band Concert, but I'm looking into whatever I have to sign up for to get able to have that played on my computer this wk - Your wonderful anniversary is coming up the 20th of the month - Is it 24 years now - is the 25 next year? Anyway you and Dave are the strength beneath the wings of all your children - Bryant shone so much in his lifetime - and as you said we almost didn't even get to know our beautiful and wonderful Bryant - the drs. had his gone by 24 hours, but Jehovah had other thoughts for our family and Bryant and he kept getting better and better - withstanding all the bad things in his life, like the operations, and he came outthe victor, and we had him for 20 years, and got to know the Bryant that was in your womb and got to come out and live and love and give love to you and Dave, and his siblings, and to us, Dad and Mom,
He sure loved music and would have been clapping and clapping to hear Julia play - she sure is a talented daughter you have, and you certainly will get a lot of joy from her - she is special, as is Emily and Liam - two more gifts of Jehovah!
I was so glad you had the three, because all of us were not sure how long we would have Bryant, that's why he was more than precious to us!
I'm glad to hear that your anger is subsiding, but you are right, there will be still some days, but don't let them throw you, continue like you said, in baby steps - listen with your heart and not with emotions - your heart will not deceive you, and the knowledge that God's word has given you will not deceive you either, it is truth,
You have taken on a lot - two jobs, and College, a big family,and the loss of your son, Bryant, and you have come to a place where you, like you say, cannot keep up the same pace, but have to have time with your own thoughts and that is something very important now - I love you Cheryl - I love all of you<3
I just want to say I BELIEVE in you...you have great strength....you will keep getting up even when you do fall and just in case I will offer you my hand. You are my amazing friend...xxoo
20 hours ago Linda
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