All content on this blog is protected by copyright. Please do not reproduce anything here without first getting permission from me.
Wow. Yeah. So tonight was the Worldwide Compassionate Friends Candle Lighting. Around the Globe, 24 hours, candles glow for the lives gone way too soon. We were trying to decide whether to smile or not smile for the picture, it seemed kind of strange to smile and then also strange to not smile and there's not an in-between (although our faces probably communicate the confusion pretty well). It was an amazing experience. Our particular Chapter's Candle Lighting had about 700 people or so. It's just so - beyond words really - to imagine that many children gone. Everyone has their story, wearing their pins / photos ~ sharing stories, laughing crying.
Well for me, it's been rough ~ I have continually posted about the issues with Anger. Really pretty much just because Bryant isn't here. Obviously. But the life we had with Bryant has shifted and I now realize that is a choice. All of my posts talk about what Bryant taught and how he lived and how I need to pay attention to those lessons. Well tonight ~ it became really clear to me what needs to happen.
Bryant's life was a gift. The fact that he lived at all, surviving the pregnancy and then all the illnesses and dire predictions is just nothing short of miraculous. I always made sure my foot was on the pedal - to the medal when it came to Bryant, because we had to make the most of the time we had. I knew his life was a precious special gift. Bryant's life took us in all kinds of directions. Definitely places and experiences that I never would have had nor imagined had he not been a part of my life. I've said this before too, I shudder to think what I would be or who I would be had I not had the Grace of God right there in front of me for 20 years.
So here's the Epiphany of the Day and hopefully for the future. While I grieve the Loss, I also let the grief win; I let the horrible day that Bryant left us physically reign wild. I am angry, mad, pissed ... and that can consume someone. And after all the lessons and all the places ... like Dr. Seuss "Oh the Places You'll Go!" - Anyone who knew Bryant knew he loved Dr. Seuss. Because of Bryant's set of life circumstances, he led us to incredible wondrous places. So there I am, sitting at the Compassionate Friends Candle Lighting, crying, grieving ~ but listening to the poems and other readings and I realized, you know what? Here I am with three amazing women! Two are my own children, Emily and Julia and the other, Bryant's nurse Christine, who is one of my most trusted and best friends ~ Bryant brought us together. And here we are sitting together, grieving our Loss. But in the Loss, there is the Gift, that which IS Bryant's life and his legacy.
During Bryant's life, we advocated, we filmed video / commercials, we did all kinds of things and I will tell you, it was powerful. Experiencing life with Bryant was always amazing. Even when he was sick; life was amazing. And that's when it hit me, he is STILL bringing me places, having me meet people, leading me. The next Compassionate Friends Conventions is in California. I thought it would be awful and depressing because Bryant never got to go to California (never would tolerate the plane ride). Then I thought, but he is taking you there, don't you see it?
The words bounce around my head and I try and catch them and make them form into something concise that will explain what I experienced. I think I have made a step forward ~ with Bryant ~ and with my family to understanding that Bryant can continue to exist and be a part of our life in everything we do because we are who we are for knowing him. That isn't ever going to change. There is no going back and sometimes that's hard in itself. But to embrace it, and to understand how much there is still to be offered by Bryant ~ wow. It was pretty amazing.
So perhaps I am emerging from the Anger. I tell you, that in itself would be miraculous thing. Just the other day I blogged about how I am perpetually stuck in Anger. But tonight, even with the sadness and the grief and seeing all those beautiful children flashed up on a screen, knowing their lives were cut short, I understand that Bryant's Life continues to have meaning if I allow it to. Or I can screech to a halt and stay stuck..... saying that it is awful that Bryant isn't with us, he can't go to California, or Paris or anywhere we may go. The thing is, that's not true. He can. He is in all of us as are part of him. So begins the Journey WITH Bryant as an intricate part of our lives. I can't wait to see where he is going to take us :) Let the adventures continue Bryant!!!! Love you xo xo Mommy
Well for me, it's been rough ~ I have continually posted about the issues with Anger. Really pretty much just because Bryant isn't here. Obviously. But the life we had with Bryant has shifted and I now realize that is a choice. All of my posts talk about what Bryant taught and how he lived and how I need to pay attention to those lessons. Well tonight ~ it became really clear to me what needs to happen.
Bryant's life was a gift. The fact that he lived at all, surviving the pregnancy and then all the illnesses and dire predictions is just nothing short of miraculous. I always made sure my foot was on the pedal - to the medal when it came to Bryant, because we had to make the most of the time we had. I knew his life was a precious special gift. Bryant's life took us in all kinds of directions. Definitely places and experiences that I never would have had nor imagined had he not been a part of my life. I've said this before too, I shudder to think what I would be or who I would be had I not had the Grace of God right there in front of me for 20 years.
So here's the Epiphany of the Day and hopefully for the future. While I grieve the Loss, I also let the grief win; I let the horrible day that Bryant left us physically reign wild. I am angry, mad, pissed ... and that can consume someone. And after all the lessons and all the places ... like Dr. Seuss "Oh the Places You'll Go!" - Anyone who knew Bryant knew he loved Dr. Seuss. Because of Bryant's set of life circumstances, he led us to incredible wondrous places. So there I am, sitting at the Compassionate Friends Candle Lighting, crying, grieving ~ but listening to the poems and other readings and I realized, you know what? Here I am with three amazing women! Two are my own children, Emily and Julia and the other, Bryant's nurse Christine, who is one of my most trusted and best friends ~ Bryant brought us together. And here we are sitting together, grieving our Loss. But in the Loss, there is the Gift, that which IS Bryant's life and his legacy.
During Bryant's life, we advocated, we filmed video / commercials, we did all kinds of things and I will tell you, it was powerful. Experiencing life with Bryant was always amazing. Even when he was sick; life was amazing. And that's when it hit me, he is STILL bringing me places, having me meet people, leading me. The next Compassionate Friends Conventions is in California. I thought it would be awful and depressing because Bryant never got to go to California (never would tolerate the plane ride). Then I thought, but he is taking you there, don't you see it?
The words bounce around my head and I try and catch them and make them form into something concise that will explain what I experienced. I think I have made a step forward ~ with Bryant ~ and with my family to understanding that Bryant can continue to exist and be a part of our life in everything we do because we are who we are for knowing him. That isn't ever going to change. There is no going back and sometimes that's hard in itself. But to embrace it, and to understand how much there is still to be offered by Bryant ~ wow. It was pretty amazing.
So perhaps I am emerging from the Anger. I tell you, that in itself would be miraculous thing. Just the other day I blogged about how I am perpetually stuck in Anger. But tonight, even with the sadness and the grief and seeing all those beautiful children flashed up on a screen, knowing their lives were cut short, I understand that Bryant's Life continues to have meaning if I allow it to. Or I can screech to a halt and stay stuck..... saying that it is awful that Bryant isn't with us, he can't go to California, or Paris or anywhere we may go. The thing is, that's not true. He can. He is in all of us as are part of him. So begins the Journey WITH Bryant as an intricate part of our lives. I can't wait to see where he is going to take us :) Let the adventures continue Bryant!!!! Love you xo xo Mommy
1 comments:
wow..that was powerful. I so wish we could have been there with you...I will plan on next year...and yes Bryant is always with you and he is your shining star..your guide throughout life. What a wonderful guide to have...:-) big hugs and loves always!
Post a Comment