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Today is the day we have decided to call Thanksgiving. I was raised to not put so much of an emphasis on ONE day, but the thought was that we should be thankful every day. This is all good in theory, but I think sometimes the world can just grate on you, make you see the harshness, cruelty, sadness and ugliness of what surrounds us.
I was upstairs, reading through the newspaper, browsing the frantic ads for BLACK FRIDAY (which is now technically today for most stores....). Anyway, my new kitten, Simba, was sitting on me. He has to be on us at all times or at least near us. So cute and cuddly and perfect and clearly oblivious from the realities of the awful terrible world. Which is partially what triggered the thoughts on the beauty of the world. Something as simple as a tiny kitten, the wonder it sees in everything, even a dangling string, is just amazing to a kitten.
We have been provided so much beauty in the World, yet it is clouded out by the darkness and misery so many times. Losing Bryant was the most awful horrific thing ever. He was beauty and perfection personified, so close to God, so resilient and such an incredible soul. Bryant had "old soul eyes" like he had seen so much, even as a tiny infant, but in a good way. Like he was always leading, always knowing and always my solid rock. Really for the whole family. Bryant was forgiving and never mean or hateful to ANYONE. And it's not because he didn't "know better" it's because that's who he was.
It's hard to ever be like that; at least I have found. I find myself angry, consumed almost by anger that he had to leave. Angry that his brother and his two sisters have to have seen and know such pain. He had so much to give but there is something inside of me that knows ... that he knew .... that the day would come that he would have to go. He was medically fragile. He had already survived 20 years, 1 months and 20 days more that they had expected. He was given 24 hours by the medical team at the time. Bryant had other plans.
So I try and focus now on what it means to truly be thankful. It means that to be thankful, you have to understand there will be things you are NOT thankful for. In order to understand appreciation, you have to know what it is to not have something. And I don't necessarily mean this in material terms although it is often perceived that way and that is because we are physical / sight motivated. But at the core, is the essence of who we are, and Bryant taught me about that. He taught me to be thankful for things I took for granted and for things I never would have even noticed before. And that's a Gift. So I am thankful for Bryant and all he taught me; just as I fight the intense anger that he is no longer here. I know it must have been hard for Bryant, knowing he had only so much time and so much work to do. And such a weak subject (me).
So I have decided, not because it's Thanksgiving, but because living any other way is just miserable. And knowing Bryant could have easily chosen that path. A path of hate and anger and misery; and who would have blamed him? Instead, he woke every day with a smile and love in his heart and a "what's gonna happen today" attitude. Meaning, what was he going to MAKE happen, to make every day, a special day. Somehow he found a way. Some were pretty big moments! Others were just little things, but still at the end of every day, there was some beauty that Bryant had been able to show us.
There is a lot of pain and misery and hurt and sadness. There is horrific stuff that happens every day. I am not, and will never be PollyAnna. Except when it came to Bryant. He could do that to anyone who took the time to listen and to learn from him. Living a life of anger and hate and hurt, it's dangerous, it's unhealthy and it's certainly out of character with everything Bryant represented. He tried to make the world a better place with his advocacy work or, in some cases, just a smile and an "I LOVE YOU" signed emphatically (sign language!).
So I guess I will try and live more in the moment, (a Bryant lesson), an open heart and an open mind, to the possibilities that are around me and the ones maybe I can create and the ones sure to come. I also know that life is what it is, but to focus squarely on the bad only leads to being unthankful for all the good. It's a choice and it's a choice that has to be made every day. Not just in a blog or like in the movies. Every day. So it's a challenge and that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, suck and that doesn't mean I am not significantly changed both by Bryant's goodness and by Bryant's passing.
For today and hopefully for most days, I will be thankful for my surviving children who make me laugh and smile every day. They drive me nuts, but that's their job as well. And for my soul mate. Someone who I love and hate, sometimes at the same time, but who has been with me for 24 years and who is the most incredible father and man I will ever know. Life is not perfect and a lot of the times it's painful. But in those times, there is sometimes a choice. And it's my hope that I can spot those times, when I do have a choice, and choose to live with gratitude for all I have had and will have the privilege to experience. And I suppose, it's knowing Bryant still makes an impact. I just need to let myself see it. He's everywhere.
I love you Bryant. xo xo I love you Emily. I love you Julia. I love you Liam. And I love you Dave :)
Today is the day we have decided to call Thanksgiving. I was raised to not put so much of an emphasis on ONE day, but the thought was that we should be thankful every day. This is all good in theory, but I think sometimes the world can just grate on you, make you see the harshness, cruelty, sadness and ugliness of what surrounds us.
We have been provided so much beauty in the World, yet it is clouded out by the darkness and misery so many times. Losing Bryant was the most awful horrific thing ever. He was beauty and perfection personified, so close to God, so resilient and such an incredible soul. Bryant had "old soul eyes" like he had seen so much, even as a tiny infant, but in a good way. Like he was always leading, always knowing and always my solid rock. Really for the whole family. Bryant was forgiving and never mean or hateful to ANYONE. And it's not because he didn't "know better" it's because that's who he was.
It's hard to ever be like that; at least I have found. I find myself angry, consumed almost by anger that he had to leave. Angry that his brother and his two sisters have to have seen and know such pain. He had so much to give but there is something inside of me that knows ... that he knew .... that the day would come that he would have to go. He was medically fragile. He had already survived 20 years, 1 months and 20 days more that they had expected. He was given 24 hours by the medical team at the time. Bryant had other plans.
So I try and focus now on what it means to truly be thankful. It means that to be thankful, you have to understand there will be things you are NOT thankful for. In order to understand appreciation, you have to know what it is to not have something. And I don't necessarily mean this in material terms although it is often perceived that way and that is because we are physical / sight motivated. But at the core, is the essence of who we are, and Bryant taught me about that. He taught me to be thankful for things I took for granted and for things I never would have even noticed before. And that's a Gift. So I am thankful for Bryant and all he taught me; just as I fight the intense anger that he is no longer here. I know it must have been hard for Bryant, knowing he had only so much time and so much work to do. And such a weak subject (me).
So I have decided, not because it's Thanksgiving, but because living any other way is just miserable. And knowing Bryant could have easily chosen that path. A path of hate and anger and misery; and who would have blamed him? Instead, he woke every day with a smile and love in his heart and a "what's gonna happen today" attitude. Meaning, what was he going to MAKE happen, to make every day, a special day. Somehow he found a way. Some were pretty big moments! Others were just little things, but still at the end of every day, there was some beauty that Bryant had been able to show us.
There is a lot of pain and misery and hurt and sadness. There is horrific stuff that happens every day. I am not, and will never be PollyAnna. Except when it came to Bryant. He could do that to anyone who took the time to listen and to learn from him. Living a life of anger and hate and hurt, it's dangerous, it's unhealthy and it's certainly out of character with everything Bryant represented. He tried to make the world a better place with his advocacy work or, in some cases, just a smile and an "I LOVE YOU" signed emphatically (sign language!).
So I guess I will try and live more in the moment, (a Bryant lesson), an open heart and an open mind, to the possibilities that are around me and the ones maybe I can create and the ones sure to come. I also know that life is what it is, but to focus squarely on the bad only leads to being unthankful for all the good. It's a choice and it's a choice that has to be made every day. Not just in a blog or like in the movies. Every day. So it's a challenge and that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, suck and that doesn't mean I am not significantly changed both by Bryant's goodness and by Bryant's passing.
For today and hopefully for most days, I will be thankful for my surviving children who make me laugh and smile every day. They drive me nuts, but that's their job as well. And for my soul mate. Someone who I love and hate, sometimes at the same time, but who has been with me for 24 years and who is the most incredible father and man I will ever know. Life is not perfect and a lot of the times it's painful. But in those times, there is sometimes a choice. And it's my hope that I can spot those times, when I do have a choice, and choose to live with gratitude for all I have had and will have the privilege to experience. And I suppose, it's knowing Bryant still makes an impact. I just need to let myself see it. He's everywhere.
I love you Bryant. xo xo I love you Emily. I love you Julia. I love you Liam. And I love you Dave :)
1 comments:
Cheryl you do have so much to be thankful for, as you say, during Bryant's life more love came into it - 3 siblings that made Bryant's and you life so much more full of joy, noise, laughter, fighting and all the stuff that makes a real family came to you and Dave and Bryant. He didn't see sadness - you didn't allow him to - If there was ever any crying or anxiousness around him he never liked it, he would come out of his room to protest it! During his hospital stays he saw you and Dave in some anxious times when he was sick or having an operation in the hospital but instead of crying he knew you would take care of things and he felt much better about everything knowing that - he knew you would be in charge - and that would make him happy - He'd say to himself - she will take care of the drs and nurses and make sure they do whats right for me!
But, in this life, when things happen that are beyond our control, anger has to be there because we were created with a sense of justice, one of Jehovah's qualities - and it was not fair that Bryant had to have problems at birth, and that he had to go so soon - As your love is intense for Bryant - Bryant's love was just as intense for you and thats what made him fight so much for life - he too, didn't want to leave, but there is a sense like you said that Bryant was so much profound and smarter than anyone could ever give him credit for, he knew like you said, his body was medically fragile, but not so his mind! and I think he would be so grateful - because of his deep love for you - that he went in his sleep and didn't have to see you all suffer in front of him in grief, crying - he went fast - as if it was known nothing would of saved him, not at that point - All the other times he fought to live, he stayed to smile and enjoy life with all of you his blessed family - who he knew from birth would love him unconditionally and he would love you the same - and you were allowed by Bryant's joy and love in being so much part of a family to have 3 siblings for yourself and Dave and Bryant to love
You are right - he never ever made room for hate and misery - life is too short, as if he knew that - and he made sure he didn't give you less than he could and you sure did the same -
He would want you to still be laughing and enjoying his Dad and siblings like he did and he loved you ultimately Cheryl and would be very disturbed to know that you were crying and suffering -
He is resting now waiting to be called back to life - the life he loved with his family - we know that will happen because everything else prophesied has been fulfilled and we are waiting for that to come - We will see his precious face and the others we are waiting for full of life and love and joy again - Love Grammy
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