Plagued by insomnia ~ no wonder. I have had 3 consecutive nights of intense nightmare. Basically they follow the same general flow. We are either notified or find out you have died and go to the hospital, where we are allowed to see you briefly and then they take your body and drop it down a shoot, like a piece of garbage. There are variations on it, last night I dreamed we decided to visit your favorite place, only to find it was a sham, all made up of cardboard and fake; and infested with bugs (specifically ants). It was disgusting and depressing and really nightmarish.
So I am not sure why I am dreaming these bizarre dreams. You didn't die in a hospital, no one called us, you died peacefully in your sleep. Obviously your body wasn't dropped down a hole like garbage, in fact, you didn't even go to the Morgue. I made sure you went right from the ER to the Funeral Home. So I don't know why I would dream worse stuff, the real stuff is bad enough. Like seeing you in your bed; knowing you were gone; doing CPR; trying like hell; and then having to see you at the Funeral Home. Through it all, you looked so peaceful and at rest.
I was talking with Christine at lunch and she said you were almost like a 'prophet' in your life, and I thought about that before she had said it, which made it all the more interesting because she was thinking the same thing I had thought. That's how you lived your life. And then she said that you were always on the look out for people you could help. And God knows you helped me. You saved me. So the question is, now what? I was driving around and thinking about that and how I should be so joyful, I really should be so thankful. I asked God please to let you live, when the doctors gave you 24 hours, God intervened and clearly gave you 20 years. So I know that I need to really focus on that. Which is why the nightmares are all the more questionable.
I have been thinking good and positive thoughts and knowing how much of an impact you made, yet I am having these awful terrible graphic dreams. I hate them. One night I was stuck in it. I knew I was dreaming and I wanted to wake up but could not escape the cycle of the nightmare. I wonder if it's because I am somehow missing steps, you know, through grief. We all know we can't go around it, can't go under it, can't go over it ~ we have to go THROUGH it. But why these dreams.
I still have the good ones. I have blogged about the amazing dreams where you make me feel so happy so enlightened and they are so freeing. I would really appreciate one of these right about now.
I keep thinking of how much I miss you, but how much you gave me, how you saved me, and how I should live in the light of knowing you lived the best life you could. The life you were given and the life you made, the life I begged God to let you have. Somehow my hope is through these nightmares, something else will emerge, something maybe to propel me forward a little more to greater understanding. That is my wish and my hope.
I am sometimes angered (well okay almost always) by this whole situation. That you died. It makes me want to scream and I actually do that, because you were so pure so beautiful and so loving. So full of love and goodness and forgiveness. I am your nemesis apparently. And I know that it's like accepting a beautiful gift and then being so angry when it's gone ... and not seeing the Glory of God anymore. And I want to so much. I want to see it. Of course, when you were here, I saw it every day. Now all I see is red mostly, I am so angry, so mad. I am angry for myself, for Daddy and for your brother and sisters. I hate seeing their pain and I hate mine.
So what to do, what to do?! Is there anything to do? Or just hope it gets better? I don't know Bryant. I see you everywhere and I know that is a Gift too and I should be thankful. I need to readjust my thinking to become more like you and to really receive the Gift. And usually I think I have and the nightmares come. Let's hope it's some type of progress.
Love you,
Mommy xo xo
0 comments:
Post a Comment