Bryant's Video

July Stuff

Hey Bryant! We miss you soooo much. Been spending tons of time at the beach, making me think of you, which is kinda not true because I think of you ALL the time so nothing really makes me think of you, I just do. Always. So along those lines I am trying to upload the video of you and us and that line from the Tarzan movie, song by Phil Collins "You'll be in my Heart" that's the part "always" and it's so true. Grammy & Grampy flew in last week for Dick's Memorial Service. Remember Dick? We used to go to his house for the Tuesday Bookstudy. Wow, it seems so long ago, yet also seems like yesterday too. Anyway, they were here for a few days. I am thinking of doing some stuff which I will fill you in on later once I have decided. One is for sure, we are having a quilt made of some of your clothes. It will be absolutely gorgeous, the irony of course is you would kick it right off of yourself if we EVER tried to put any covers on you, haha. So I will be sure to remember that. You did like games with blankets though so that shall also be remembered when we get the quilt made. Hopefully over the summer. I will post pics when it's finished. I, of course, am not making it since everyone who is anyone knows I can't sew a stitch (pun intended). I got some stickers for the van with the stick people. Everyone has those now it seems. So I got one for each of us and they are on the back of the van. I also got an "in memory" patch for both the van and truck so everyone can see your name :) And know we miss you so much.

I came across that song "You needed Me" By Ann Murray I think ... anyway I was listening to the words and I think that describes my relationship with you.
I cried a tear, you wiped it dry,
I was confused, you cleared my mind,
I sold my soul, you bought it back for me,
And held me up and gave me dignity,
Somehow you needed me.

You gave me strength,
to stand alone again,
to face the world again,
out on my own again,
You put me high, upon a pedestal,
so high that I could almost see eternity,
You needed me, you needed me.
And I can't believe it's true,
I needed you, and you were there,
And I'll never leave, why should I leave,
I'd be a fool,
'cause I finally found someone who really cares!
You held my hand, when it was cold,
When I was lost, you took me home,
You gave me hope, when I was at the end,
And turned my lies, back into truth again,
You even called me friend.

You needed me, you needed me.

So that's how I feel. It sums it all up. You needed me Bryant and I need(ed) you. So much you taught me, so much I learned, so so much.

I am posting the video, I hope I can get it on line for this blog and I am also going to post the pics of the van stick people and in memory thing.

Hugs to you & Love Always, Eternity Bryant, Eternity,
Mommy xo xo

Love

Bryant, here is my latest purchase. I got these stickers for the van and truck. I think you would find them, at least, amusing :) We have been to the beach often and I am searching for a sand dollar. Hopefully I will find one before the summer is out. It is hot lately and you would absolutely be loving the beach with us. I missed you so much at the Assembly even though I know you would not have been super-thrilled to go, I know you always had a smile for me. That got me thinking about you and how you gave me so much in the way of love and happiness and how I have to remember that always. It's so easy to get overwhelmed with the grief of it all, missing you so much and just being so angry and sad. It's all about taking the good with the bad. The blessing of having you in our lives surpasses everything, even the bad. So even missing you so much it hurts until I feel I can almost no longer bear it, I have to remember the good because there was and is still so much.

We met a family in Amherst who has a son in a wheelchair and we showed them the van and talked about the Dynavox and what a pro you were in using it, particularly with your jokes and comments :) And how you could memorize over 200 pages with absolutely no effort and just breeze through them to make sure your voice was heard.

Your name was carried during the Compassionate Friends walk ... a woman I met on-line through CF carried it. I may try and go next year so I can carry it myself. For now, I will do the Manchester Walk though. Your plants are doing very well, by the way, outside your window. And we have plans to meet up with Christine and Hana. We all miss you and I think about you all the time. I did lose it on Saturday on the way home, I couldn't hold it in, just cried and cried thinking this is NOT the way it is supposed to be! Not the way at all. Sunday was a little better but still, you know, it's just unfair to me that you aren't with us. I was picturing us and what we'd be doing and what you'd be doing etc. Of course, with each of my "wind knocked out of me" moments, comes yet another epiphany and I did have one. I realized how much you and your life mean and how much you transcended the silliness, not meaning you weren't silly, that's how you lived your life, with silliness galore, but I mean the silly pettiness that seems to envelope and consume people throughout their lives. You washed all that away and it just wasn't there. Man, it's a fight without you, pal. But I was talking to someone and they were saying what a great life we gave you and I was thinking and then said "he gave it back" you did that. You gave back more than you ever took. The Bible talks about special mightiness you know and I do believe that is what you had. And just being around you seemed to rub off on us :) Or at least me.

So when my heart goes black, which is how it feels sometimes, I think about you and it just brings it back. My moments will continue I am sure, it's like waves that wash over me of sadness. But as I have learned, never turn your back on the ocean or the waves ~ I have to face them, head on. Watch for them, wait for them, respect them and see the absolute beauty and power and awe in the emotions and love that I feel. You made that possible Bryant. And every day I am privy to it, I am able to know that. You most certainly were and are one of my best friends. From that day I met you, when you were born, to now. Your smile never fades or dims and the memory seems to burn stronger, hence, of course, the meltdowns ... but if that brings me closer to you, then so be it.

I love you ~ you remember the special song and phrase I had for you every morning? Well I sing it, say it still, because it's true and always shall be. Between us always,

Mommy

Motorcycles ...

So Bryant, my new thing is motorcycles. Not really new, you knew I loved to ride, you loved to ride, you loved thrills. Daddy loves his bike and you used to love riding on it when you were able, mostly with me running alongside making sure you were okay :) You thought that was awesome .... I miss you so much. I have had some pretty rough days thinking about you and when I ride with Daddy I let the iPod play and just think about all the stuff we did and how much you taught me. I was talking to someone the other day and they were saying how much you loved life and how we "gave you such a great life" and I said "Well he really gave US a great life" ~ nay I shall instead say "A great ride" - man you grabbed life by the handlebars and you were ready to go! So I am thinking, instead of riding on the back of Dad's bike, maybe I should ride BESIDE him ~ I know you would get a kick out of that. You are my inspiration, that's for sure, you never let anything be an obstacle for you. Thrills galore! What a ride we had! I told that person about you and how you made life so much more fun in so many ways, and how really, I lost my best friend. One of my best friends. That's how I see you Bryant.

So they ebb and tide, my feelings, my dreams,

memories and hopes. I love you Bryant. I miss you.

Love, xo xo,

Mommy