Hi Bry,
On Sunday, we went to see the new release of Toy Story 3. It was hard to go. I remember the previews for it and thinking how happy you would be to see it and then seeing "2010" and thinking "wow that's far off!" and now here it is and you aren't here to be with us to see it. It brings me back in time to Toy Story 1, so long ago, 1995 I think. I remember we were at Carribean Beach at Disney World and everyone was there, Grammy & Grampy, Memere, Lynne & Don, Melinda and Jackie and of course, your best bud Emily. The TV had all Disney all the time since it was a Disney Resort and on the Channel it kept playing the previews for this new movie, "Toy Story" with the new type of animation (not cartoon) and we thought, well we didn't know what to think, except it looked wierd and sounded silly "toys coming to life".
I remember going to see it with you and dad and Emily. Julia and Liam were not born yet. And I remember being stunned by the movie, falling instantly in love with it and how you loved it so much, as did Emily. We rushed out and bought everything Toy Story, Woody & Buzz and all the stuff. I believe we still have the original Woody or at least one of the more original ones ... Emily used to write on all the toys as did Andy - you were the "owners" for sure. You especially loved Woody and would pull the string to hear him and he used to take some spins on the ceiling fan with your other favorite Bert.
The movie, Toy Story 3, opens with a scene of young Andy being watched on an old video tape playing with his favorites, Woody & Buzz to the tune of "You've got a friend in me". Thankfully for me, the movie is in 3D so I didn't have to make a spectacle as I sat there crying. At one point I did think I would have to leave but was able to keep it together. After the movie, Emily said she cried too at the same part :(
You are with us everywhere Bryant. Those memories ... so strong, so close by, you are just everywhere. That makes me smile. You experienced it, loved it, lived it, just took life and enjoyed it to the absolute fullest. So we miss you. What else is new?
xo xo Mom
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Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Beach
Bryant! We went on our first vacation since you left us in the physical sense. However, I will say, your presence was everywhere. We were at the beach and the wind was in full swing, something you could have enjoyed 24/7 while we were there. I have changed my profile pic on facebook to show us at the beach, you and I, because you loved the beach so much. Wind only made it that much better :) Emily was not happy with the wind blowing her hair all around and it made me think of how you'd find that amusing, you used to love to touch her hair and to tease her if you could, playfully.
All of us missed you so much. I could picture you in your beach chair, with us, enjoying the waves and water and fun and sun and all that goes along with our family vacations. Good times.
While we were there, a man who was in another unit came over and asked about the van. He is looking for one for his mother who is in a wheelchair. We gladly showed him the van and chatted about you, always something that makes me enormously happy, saying your name, sharing your story :) Your friend Nate watched the house for us, you would be happy with that ~ he took care of our silly naughty cats.
So, anyway, I missed you so much that I decided to get a temporary tattoo with your name so I could carry you around on my body while we were there. The guy who did the tattoo learned about you of course, because I had to share your story with him as he did the tattoo. He shared with me that he had a brother named Brian, who had also passed on. It is interesting how stories intertwine sometimes. I would like to get a permanent one with your name but your father is not especially fond of tattoos. It doesn't really matter though because you are engraved on our hearts and souls and minds. A life well lived and a life well loved, you definitely left a "tattoo" forever on all those who know and love you.
xo xo,
Mommy
All of us missed you so much. I could picture you in your beach chair, with us, enjoying the waves and water and fun and sun and all that goes along with our family vacations. Good times.
While we were there, a man who was in another unit came over and asked about the van. He is looking for one for his mother who is in a wheelchair. We gladly showed him the van and chatted about you, always something that makes me enormously happy, saying your name, sharing your story :) Your friend Nate watched the house for us, you would be happy with that ~ he took care of our silly naughty cats.
So, anyway, I missed you so much that I decided to get a temporary tattoo with your name so I could carry you around on my body while we were there. The guy who did the tattoo learned about you of course, because I had to share your story with him as he did the tattoo. He shared with me that he had a brother named Brian, who had also passed on. It is interesting how stories intertwine sometimes. I would like to get a permanent one with your name but your father is not especially fond of tattoos. It doesn't really matter though because you are engraved on our hearts and souls and minds. A life well lived and a life well loved, you definitely left a "tattoo" forever on all those who know and love you.
xo xo,
Mommy
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Dreaming
"Dreaming, I was only Dreaming, of another place and time where my family's from
Singing, I can hear them singing, While these waves had washed away all these scattered dreams...."
Lately, again, my dreams have turned to trying to save you, trying to get a second chance, trying to have my brain, deep inside, accept that you are gone. I realize you are not gone entirely, but physically, but even that my brain is refusing to process. The result is my dreams being rather unpleasant.
This I would like to change, because I would prefer to see you in my dreams in a happy way - hence the quote from Green Day's "Before the Lobotomy" which is how I feel most days. It continues ...
"Singing, I can hear them singing, while the rain had washed away all these scattered dreams".
It reminds me of the days of Bryant, the laughter, the singing the dreams ~ I wonder how it's all changed now. The thing that makes me the most angry and the most sad is that I know you would not have wanted this. You lived Bryant, for a purpose for a reason and with a gust and zest for life unmatched. You showed us how to live and dream, so why am I so confused and having such a hard time?
"Dying, Everyone's reminded, hearts are washed in misery, drenched in gasoline"
This I relate to also as I feel at any given moment, with little to no warning, my heart feels like it's burnt out completely. It is certainly missing a part that died with you.
There are times Bryant, when I am aware of what you've done and how much you accomplished and how blessed we were to have you. The days I recall of you and Emily at play, so happy, doing such little kid things ~ our glorious trips to Disney and all over the country as we traveled in our little red van ...
"Laughter, there is no more laughter, Songs of yesterday, now live in the underground"....
So I still miss you and perhaps it would be fair to say it gets worse each day. I will work on that but until my dreams can return to happier times, I don't foresee that happening. Yet I do pause and smile quit a bit at your memory, something you did, places we've been, etc. For example, yesterday, the newspaper had a section on "things to do over summer vacation in NH" and I looked at the places listed mentally checking off "Yep, Bryant did that, Bryant saw that ..." etc.
And tomorrow I fight on. Meeting with the attorney and then the SAC meeting, all for advocacy, to fight on for the kids "like Bryant" who deserve a fighting chance. You fought and won, now I have to pick up and carry on without you being physically here. I HATE IT!
Miss you so much,
xo xo
Mommy
Singing, I can hear them singing, While these waves had washed away all these scattered dreams...."
Lately, again, my dreams have turned to trying to save you, trying to get a second chance, trying to have my brain, deep inside, accept that you are gone. I realize you are not gone entirely, but physically, but even that my brain is refusing to process. The result is my dreams being rather unpleasant.
This I would like to change, because I would prefer to see you in my dreams in a happy way - hence the quote from Green Day's "Before the Lobotomy" which is how I feel most days. It continues ...
"Singing, I can hear them singing, while the rain had washed away all these scattered dreams".
It reminds me of the days of Bryant, the laughter, the singing the dreams ~ I wonder how it's all changed now. The thing that makes me the most angry and the most sad is that I know you would not have wanted this. You lived Bryant, for a purpose for a reason and with a gust and zest for life unmatched. You showed us how to live and dream, so why am I so confused and having such a hard time?
"Dying, Everyone's reminded, hearts are washed in misery, drenched in gasoline"
This I relate to also as I feel at any given moment, with little to no warning, my heart feels like it's burnt out completely. It is certainly missing a part that died with you.
There are times Bryant, when I am aware of what you've done and how much you accomplished and how blessed we were to have you. The days I recall of you and Emily at play, so happy, doing such little kid things ~ our glorious trips to Disney and all over the country as we traveled in our little red van ...
"Laughter, there is no more laughter, Songs of yesterday, now live in the underground"....
So I still miss you and perhaps it would be fair to say it gets worse each day. I will work on that but until my dreams can return to happier times, I don't foresee that happening. Yet I do pause and smile quit a bit at your memory, something you did, places we've been, etc. For example, yesterday, the newspaper had a section on "things to do over summer vacation in NH" and I looked at the places listed mentally checking off "Yep, Bryant did that, Bryant saw that ..." etc.
And tomorrow I fight on. Meeting with the attorney and then the SAC meeting, all for advocacy, to fight on for the kids "like Bryant" who deserve a fighting chance. You fought and won, now I have to pick up and carry on without you being physically here. I HATE IT!
Miss you so much,
xo xo
Mommy
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