One year

Well Bryant, I had to put the two pictures up. The one of you in the NICU when you were born and the one of your High School Graduation. Your entire life was about something. In the early days, we didn't know if you'd live or not and how your life would be. We were stuck in 'normal' ~ your arrival spun me around, upside down and back around again. Today, when watching old videos of you, I really was struck, again, by how incredibly blessed I am to have known you. And I mean truly know you.

You went through so much in your life Bryant, physically ~ and you seemed to transcend it all. I was merely along for the ride - the ride of a lifetime. The most interesting thing to me Bryant is you created a legacy while you were alive. It's not something we have to imagine now or put together, pieces of who or what you were. You gave voice to a personality larger than life.

You saved me Bryant. You taught me and you saved me. You took me to heights I would never have known or seen. You made me question everything, try and find answers anywhere and always search for truth. I really knew you. And, it seems, Bryant, you knew me. My life, having you in it, having your father, your sisters and your brother, unbelievable. Liam went out to a movie with a friend last night and spoke about you. How much he loved you and how much he helped you and you know Bryant, he did help you. He'd change your movies or tell us if you wanted something, he helped give you a voice. But the reality is that helped us. And because of you, Liam will grow into a person who will always give voice to those who need it, just as we do. And, in return, we will receive the view that transcends the normal, the regular, the mundane.

So, today marks a year without you. You have left me with gifts and I expect that you expect I will have learned how to use them. You gave me 20 years. As I look through videos and pictures and memories and mental images, they all lead to the same place. I was blessed to have someone like you, I was blessed Bryant to know you. Because by knowing you, you allowed me to really see, to have vision and to acquire such incredible gifts in living life.

I miss you, I cry to have you with me again. I wonder if I am really strong enough without you? You surely left a legacy and it is when I am not listening and not seeing that the darkness creeps in. Then, I can see your sisters and your brother, not a day goes by that I do not receive a compliment or story about them and their graciousness or goodness. And I know Bryant that's what defined you. You were a strong leader, a strong teacher and a strong, strong person, a spirit not often seen ~ unless someone is willing to look. So for those you touched, in us, you live on. And, in the darkest of times, Bryant, I hear you and see you ~ everywhere. You knew you couldn't stay, surely you were tired. I know that, but in my selfishness I wish for you. And long for that day Bryant when I will see you again. I'm a tough study Bryant, but I am trying, and I hope you will find I learned well. You saved me Bryant and I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Almost a year

Today was a Bryant day. It was so beautiful out, sunny, some wind and just gorgeous New England Weather. Tomorrow, Spring officially begins and Sunday is the one year dreadful day that is the Mis(ery)-aversy of the day you left us. I know you have not really left us, you are all around, but some days it's just so hard to not have you here physically to hug and hand five and joke around with. Every day with you was a day of smiles and happiness. It's funny to see how vast a void is left when you left physically. Still, as I said, I can see you everywhere ... it's like that song "I believe in Angels, something good in everything I see" and that's how you are, the legacy you gave us.

So we went on a hayride at Charmingfare Farm. I do believe you would have tolerated it, but since Christine, Nate, Hana and Melissa came, I KNOW you would have been estatic! You loved them so much and found so much joy in having them around. So, for us, having them with us on the hayride as we thought about you and how you brought us together was a really special thing. The hayride of course, had horses, and you loved horses also. And a campfire, which you always loved fire too .. the only thing Bryant I can say, is if you were there, we would have sung songs around the campfire ... you always inspired so much joy.

As the time goes by, though, I miss you more than I ever imagined possible. That may not be completely true, because I guess I always knew how bad it would be for me if you ever left. I always dreaded that, hoping against hope you would pull through ~ and always so very grateful that you were with us. Nights were always hard for me, because we had to go to sleep ~ and I always feared something happening in the night.

So now the nights haunt me still, the emptiness and stillness ~ I hate them. Sleep is hard but I tell myself that maybe, just maybe, I will have a dream about you. I look forward to seeing you in my dreams Bryant. Having you for 20 years is almost like a dream. Some of the stuff was so surreal, almost impossible, yet it happened. And it was always amazing, always something new to look forward to. And you always had a smile for me. I miss that Bryant and some days are almost impossible to go on through. I always think about you, but even more so during those dark times, because you went through so much and always came through with a smile or a high five. In the pictures it is amazing how piercing your eyes are, how full of life you are. I am amazed by your spirit, humbled by it and I try and challenge myself with it, thinking if I can even have a quarter of the spirit for life you did, maybe I can get through it.

Looking back at the year, how fast it goes, it is just life I guess. We are thinking of things to do and I know no matter what or where we go, you go with us. Truth be told, there are days when I am just so angry that you had to go at all. I just get so mad Bryant. I know how blessed I was to have you for so long but I am just so angry about all the stuff you had to go through and even when I think about how you always came through shining with a smile, it makes me angry and yet happy at the same time. I suppose confusion is part of the whole thing ... and I do try and get myself straight but it's not always easy.

So the movie "Wild Things" came out. I can't watch it. That was one of your favorite books. And Toy Story 3 is coming out. I know you would have loved that so much. Toy Story was always one of your favorites. But I also know the thing about you Bryant was not so much the movie as the company. You would just love for someone to watch it with you and laugh and smile with you. You were always a wise old soul to me Bryant. I talked to Daddy about that and it's just true. When you were first born, laying in the crib surrounded by all the stuffed animals, I remember thinking, as I looked into your eyes, "He doesn't seem like a baby" and perhaps Bryant I was onto something. Having you in my life centered me, stablizied me, showed me things I would have never dreamed possible ~

I miss you and love you more each day,
Mommy

Hayride!