Okay, I had a kind of strange dream earlier. In it, typical dream stuff (as of late) Bryant is in the dream but he's not, and I know why. He doesn't talk and doesn't really even look like himself , everything is blurred, like in many dreams. So I know I am dreaming and getting ready for another bad dream in my dream. Nothing much happens, but at the end of the dream, we go outside. It's not a familiar place or house but seems familiar enough in the dream so I'm not wondering where I am or anything. It's kind of not relevant I guess at least in the dream. So we go outside and he's in his wheelchair and we stop to look at a garden. The garden is in black and white and basically non-descript. Not beautiful, but more barren. At this point, the dream becomes clear and not blurry and now there IS sound. Bryant gets out of his wheelchair and walks. I rush to his side to help him walk but he brushes me off to stand by himself. He looks at the garden and then turns around to face me. I suddenly am aware other people are in the dream, possibly another class of children on a field trip. I try to block him so they do not stare at his face as was the case sometimes in real life. I was always trying to protect him when really, he was my protector. Again, in the dream, Bryant brushes me off, to face the children. They all engage in dialogue with him (pleasantries mostly). It is at this point I realize I am not wearing any clothes. Sorry for that visual people :) Of course, I am stunned and look up to see a gardener who doesn't seem to notice or care and I ask refer to him as Mr. Rogers (Bryant used to watch Mr. Rogers as a small child). I say "Mr. Rogers! Can you get me a robe?" He nods and goes to get one. The teacher seems irked (of the field trip kids) but the kids don't seem to care or notice and continue chatting with Bryant. Then I wish Bryant would do something, like smile his infectious smile or show some type of emotion or say ANYTHING to me and he turns to me and touches my eyes. He does not speak. I close my eyes and say "Oh Bryant, yes, yes, my eyes" and then I wake up.
My feeling is that Bryant is trying to tell me that although he's not here physically now he is everywhere and I need to start "seeing" again. Not having clothes might suggest that I am completely vulnerable right now and want to "cover up" my emotions but no matter what I do, I must confront them. I am thinking that the garden signifies things I need to work on and that Bryant wants me to.
Any thoughts? Sorry for any typos but I am half asleep.
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Friday, February 19, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Bryant's birthday
Today, February 1st, 2010, you are 21. Amazing. We miss you so much. I think about you every day and how amazing you were ~ so I guess it was kind of suprising to find myself so upset yesterday.
We have the Wishing Well here. We are putting the sound system in for the big show, Aida that the school is putting on. It's going to have Wizard of Oz sound-bites. You would so approve ! Kathy was here yesterday. She put her handprint on the Well. We talked about you.
So it was kind of suprising to find myself, suddenly, almost on my knees. I felt like I had the wind actually knocked out of me. I was overcome with incredible grief and it was just almost-all consuming. I had to lie down. To say it came out of nowhere ~ well that wouldn't be true, I guess it has been brewing for some time. I am still angry, very angry. I miss you so much and so, of course, all the emotions probably just were waiting there to kind of steam roll me. I use that term because it reminds me of the way daddy used to do the steam roller on you and how i would scream at him to BE CAREFUL! and you would laugh and laugh and sign more, more, more! You loved it! Not sure whether it was the steam rolling or me screaming !
Anyway, it is all so clear. The day you were born. I was so scared, so unaware of the incredible journey about to unfold. So for 20 years, we lived the life of Bryant. All of us so incredibly blessed to have known you. For me, you just shine on. I came to that conclusion, I have to let you shine, even now, to not try and hold on to you. For you are everywhere and I see you everywhere. I smile and imagine you right next to me ~ you are such a bright light to me.
Emily is my pal. She misses you too, as does Julia. We talk about you often and mostly laugh about the stuff we did. I am generally okay.
So, today you are 21. The human spirit is an amazing thing Bryant. But of course, you know this. Daddy and I recall that day, you were no more than 2 months old, still in the NICU at the hospital, but you had graduated to a crib, which meant you might live, there was hope. We had, by then, accumulated quite the stash of stuffed animals. So we placed them all around you, in your new crib-bed (you had previously been in an isollett). We were so impressed, you surrounded by the cute cuddly stuffed animals. Picture time! So we snapped away and you looked utterly unimpressed. Of course, you put up with us ! But your face, your eyes, it was like "Come on people!" And I remember looking into your eyes and I said to your father "You know, he doesn't seem like a baby" - it was in that moment, little did I know, just an observation but you did not seem like a baby. I cannot explain it. And your father said "yeah I know" ~ but that was you Bryant. Wise beyond your years.
Sometimes I feel like I could use some wisdom, I wonder how to go on ~ just wishing I could find that certainty. Most days are good; but boy, talk about being God-Smacked. I know you and your incredible spirit - you would find it silly and foolish. I try and take my lessons from your life - how you lived and loved. Thankfully, I have Emily, Julia and Liam. And Daddy of course! I see your face in his.
Emily has patience with me most of the time. She and you are alike in that way :)
So Bryant, I miss you lots and lots. But, of course, you know that.
Love,
Mommy
We have the Wishing Well here. We are putting the sound system in for the big show, Aida that the school is putting on. It's going to have Wizard of Oz sound-bites. You would so approve ! Kathy was here yesterday. She put her handprint on the Well. We talked about you.
So it was kind of suprising to find myself, suddenly, almost on my knees. I felt like I had the wind actually knocked out of me. I was overcome with incredible grief and it was just almost-all consuming. I had to lie down. To say it came out of nowhere ~ well that wouldn't be true, I guess it has been brewing for some time. I am still angry, very angry. I miss you so much and so, of course, all the emotions probably just were waiting there to kind of steam roll me. I use that term because it reminds me of the way daddy used to do the steam roller on you and how i would scream at him to BE CAREFUL! and you would laugh and laugh and sign more, more, more! You loved it! Not sure whether it was the steam rolling or me screaming !
Anyway, it is all so clear. The day you were born. I was so scared, so unaware of the incredible journey about to unfold. So for 20 years, we lived the life of Bryant. All of us so incredibly blessed to have known you. For me, you just shine on. I came to that conclusion, I have to let you shine, even now, to not try and hold on to you. For you are everywhere and I see you everywhere. I smile and imagine you right next to me ~ you are such a bright light to me.
Emily is my pal. She misses you too, as does Julia. We talk about you often and mostly laugh about the stuff we did. I am generally okay.
So, today you are 21. The human spirit is an amazing thing Bryant. But of course, you know this. Daddy and I recall that day, you were no more than 2 months old, still in the NICU at the hospital, but you had graduated to a crib, which meant you might live, there was hope. We had, by then, accumulated quite the stash of stuffed animals. So we placed them all around you, in your new crib-bed (you had previously been in an isollett). We were so impressed, you surrounded by the cute cuddly stuffed animals. Picture time! So we snapped away and you looked utterly unimpressed. Of course, you put up with us ! But your face, your eyes, it was like "Come on people!" And I remember looking into your eyes and I said to your father "You know, he doesn't seem like a baby" - it was in that moment, little did I know, just an observation but you did not seem like a baby. I cannot explain it. And your father said "yeah I know" ~ but that was you Bryant. Wise beyond your years.
Sometimes I feel like I could use some wisdom, I wonder how to go on ~ just wishing I could find that certainty. Most days are good; but boy, talk about being God-Smacked. I know you and your incredible spirit - you would find it silly and foolish. I try and take my lessons from your life - how you lived and loved. Thankfully, I have Emily, Julia and Liam. And Daddy of course! I see your face in his.
Emily has patience with me most of the time. She and you are alike in that way :)
So Bryant, I miss you lots and lots. But, of course, you know that.
Love,
Mommy
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