Today was a Bryant day. It was so beautiful out, sunny, some wind and just gorgeous New England Weather. Tomorrow, Spring officially begins and Sunday is the one year dreadful day that is the Mis(ery)-aversy of the day you left us. I know you have not really left us, you are all around, but some days it's just so hard to not have you here physically to hug and hand five and joke around with. Every day with you was a day of smiles and happiness. It's funny to see how vast a void is left when you left physically. Still, as I said, I can see you everywhere ... it's like that song "I believe in Angels, something good in everything I see" and that's how you are, the legacy you gave us.
So we went on a hayride at Charmingfare Farm. I do believe you would have tolerated it, but since Christine, Nate, Hana and Melissa came, I KNOW you would have been estatic! You loved them so much and found so much joy in having them around. So, for us, having them with us on the hayride as we thought about you and how you brought us together was a really special thing. The hayride of course, had horses, and you loved horses also. And a campfire, which you always loved fire too .. the only thing Bryant I can say, is if you were there, we would have sung songs around the campfire ... you always inspired so much joy.
As the time goes by, though, I miss you more than I ever imagined possible. That may not be completely true, because I guess I always knew how bad it would be for me if you ever left. I always dreaded that, hoping against hope you would pull through ~ and always so very grateful that you were with us. Nights were always hard for me, because we had to go to sleep ~ and I always feared something happening in the night.
So now the nights haunt me still, the emptiness and stillness ~ I hate them. Sleep is hard but I tell myself that maybe, just maybe, I will have a dream about you. I look forward to seeing you in my dreams Bryant. Having you for 20 years is almost like a dream. Some of the stuff was so surreal, almost impossible, yet it happened. And it was always amazing, always something new to look forward to. And you always had a smile for me. I miss that Bryant and some days are almost impossible to go on through. I always think about you, but even more so during those dark times, because you went through so much and always came through with a smile or a high five. In the pictures it is amazing how piercing your eyes are, how full of life you are. I am amazed by your spirit, humbled by it and I try and challenge myself with it, thinking if I can even have a quarter of the spirit for life you did, maybe I can get through it.
Looking back at the year, how fast it goes, it is just life I guess. We are thinking of things to do and I know no matter what or where we go, you go with us. Truth be told, there are days when I am just so angry that you had to go at all. I just get so mad Bryant. I know how blessed I was to have you for so long but I am just so angry about all the stuff you had to go through and even when I think about how you always came through shining with a smile, it makes me angry and yet happy at the same time. I suppose confusion is part of the whole thing ... and I do try and get myself straight but it's not always easy.
So the movie "Wild Things" came out. I can't watch it. That was one of your favorite books. And Toy Story 3 is coming out. I know you would have loved that so much. Toy Story was always one of your favorites. But I also know the thing about you Bryant was not so much the movie as the company. You would just love for someone to watch it with you and laugh and smile with you. You were always a wise old soul to me Bryant. I talked to Daddy about that and it's just true. When you were first born, laying in the crib surrounded by all the stuffed animals, I remember thinking, as I looked into your eyes, "He doesn't seem like a baby" and perhaps Bryant I was onto something. Having you in my life centered me, stablizied me, showed me things I would have never dreamed possible ~
I miss you and love you more each day,
Mommy
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1 comments:
Bryant it has been a year since you left us - and you Mom and Dad, are the lifeand spirit that Bryant had - you taught him well, you took him everywhere with the laughter and the youth that you had when he was born, never doubting that he could go - no ----there was never any question, !!!! Bryant would go, and there he was in the car to Disney, to the Beach shore, getting a special chair of his own, to go right into the water, ohhh, and Bryant how you totally enjoyed those thrilling times, on the scariest rides, why not, a young mom and dad, racing to the rides with you, and you crying to get back on - I would marvel, you were never scared - you were daring, just as daring as they were - ha ha, my darling Bryant, how I miss you, I moved so far away, yet you were always in my thoughts, I want to see you again, in my eyes of faith I hope to Bryant, and tell you how very much you were loved by everyone. You probably won't believe how you touched the world around you. How many people are living their lives touched by yours - You never gave us cause for bitterness Bryant, because you were NEVER bitter, you loved, lived and enjoyed every second you were here - Grammy
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