Late Summer - 2009

Well a lot has happened this summer. We have been busy doing things, I have been thinking a lot. Always a dangerous thing, haha. Adjusting to life without you here in your physical form. I say that because you are everywhere. I can't ever adjust to "life without you" because that would mean you were never here. There is no life without you. So I adjust to life without you here phsycially. You continue to amaze, awe and inspire me. Some things though, I believe you would be happy to know, I have made peace with. At least a tentative peace - it's pretty fragile actually but peace nonetheless. I had a dream last night. Iwas in an elevator and for some reason just HAD to get to the 4th floor. Try as I might, it would not happen. The elevator kept taking me to different floors, variations on the number 4. I was so frustrated. There were other components to the dream, I should keep a pad by my bed to write this stuff down. Anyway, this part stood out in my mind all day and then it occured to me that the number 4 is the number of kids I have. Someone asked Daddy how many kids he had and at first he said "3" and then said "well 4". I do the same thing. I know it's just conversation in most cases but I cannot stop myself from talking about you. You were here and you did exist and you do matter. Big time to me. and Big time to Daddy, Emily, Julia and Liam.

So ... I realized my dream was about me trying desperately to get back to having my four kids, not three. Hence my realization and somewhat uneasy peace with the fact that I DO have four kids - just one of them is not with me here on Earth physically. It seems I could never let go of you Bryant, ever.

Now, here's the part that I have a very hard time with. I am getting better at this because I realize there is not much I can really do about this thing. People do not understand how much you improved our life. My life. I mean some people get it, but in general, people do not understand how much a unique and generous spirit like you could give. I feel like it's just impossible to ever communicate and I make myself crazy sometimes trying to explain it and have people just look at me like their eyes are gonna just glaze over. I refer to it as living with perfection - that's what it is.

You brought us to another level of life and living and understanding. So no, I can't ever communicate that to someone who hasn't had that experience. You taught us to take the opportunity when it knocked, to seize the day and all those other platitudes that people think are just that. We lived it with you. We had to. And then, my epiphany ... I don't like life lived typically - normally - regular ... it's so much better to live life Bryant-style.

I find myself thinking of you constantly, remembering the amazing 20 years we had. I do not miss the medical stuff, seeing you in pain, seeing you sick. Those memories do not seem to come anyway. When I see you in my mind, I see your face and see us together as a family; but I don't focus on the illness or issues and challenges because for us, your spirit overrode any of that stuff. Your smile and laugh and love of life was contagious.

I also remember that you never seemed to care if someone didn't "get" you, you didn't have time for that. I know for me it's a battle that I think I can now let go. I think it would be harder for me if you had cared at all about any of that stuff. You didn't. Another lesson learned and lived Bryant-style.

I was listening to the radio and heard "vincent" by Don McLean. It made me think of you - and how you lived such an incredible life but the words "the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you" really is a line that could have been written for you - because it really is how I feel about you.