Accepting the Unacceptable

Well Bryant, they say in the stages of grief eventually comes acceptance. I was thinking about acceptance and what that means and it occurred to me that perhaps that is what the past 20 years have been all about. Accepting the unacceptable. Do you ever "accept" it? I guess, again, it comes down to the example that you have set over the past 20 years. So many people piss and moan about the simplest of things in life - yet you never complained nor did we. Given the bad news and poor prognosis, 20 years ago, we accepted the unacceptable. You took life by the horns and never accepted "no" - and we followed. Yet, we had to accept the unacceptable, as did you, the pain of surgery, the medical fragility, all of that. And to fathom the unfathomable. At least to the majority of "normal" people, haha. I always get a kick out of that term. And what the hell is so fun about being "normal" anyway???? Sure, I think we could have done without the crap of funky chromosomes, surely for your sake, being able to run and play; but in spite of those challenges, even the trach, you found a way to accept that unacceptable and to fathom the unfathomable. So now, here we are. Missing you and wondering how to accept this completely unacceptable turn of events?!

I was out today on the motorcycle with your father. We went all over the place, even drove by Bodwell Road. That's where our journey with you began. We drove all around the towns and remembered that you have been everywhere, thus you are everywhere I look and that makes me smile. You came, you saw, you did. You did everything. No matter who said you couldn't or wouldn't, you did.

I guess in the grief arena I find myself, perhaps permanently, stuck in anger. Not that I am angry all the time, mind you. Mostly I am at peace because I know you have brought me the epitome of peace. I smile and laugh mostly because of you. That's what you were all about, the driving force behind living a life no matter what was thrown at us, no matter how unfair, no matter how unfathomable or how unacceptable. Yet, it does make me angry and I think anger, in that context, drives me forward. I cannot wallow in despair or pain or grief. That's not what you were about. The anger, though, well that carried me for the 20 years. We would overcome, that was my motto, but without the anger and the drive, the passion, where would we be?

So it is forward, with the anger and the passion that we go. Accepting the unacceptable.
Love, Mommy :}

Leadership

Hello Bryant. You will be happy to know that I have finished Leadership. I went yesterday and did my Action Group on AT, a subject near and dear to my heart as it helped us so much. It was our life-line sometimes to you so you could express yourself and we know, you had a lot to say :} Anyway, it went well. I felt very calm and almost, dare I say, peaceful. I thought a lot about you, I mean really, really thought about you and how much we had asked of you at times. Sometimes when you might not have felt up to it. Yet, you always were on for us when we needed you to be. So, I thought, what excuse could I really come up with to let my Action Group down and quit Leadership? You were a true Leader, a Pioneer in your own right in so many ways. So, I did it. And everyone was so happy to see me there, fighting on. They read a tribute to you and everyone applauded the strong and fierce fight of "Bryant Paquette" - your very name is known in the Disabilities Circle and beyond as a true fighter and Leader.

Then Daddy and Emily came to the Leadership Reunion and we had dinner with all the fellow Leaders. Today was Graduation, the official Graduation. While I have done everything, I did not feel quite right going to the actual Cermony. So someone (Beth) read my statement of what Leadership has meant to me.

"I started Leadership with a completely different agenda than I have today. Yet, Leadership has taught me a huge lesson - we did everything right for Bryant. Leadership has given me a gift, Peace. When I started Leadership in September I said my biggest fear was apathy in the Disabilities Community. Now I feel honored and rejuvinated to be part of this Leadership Class! I am not sure what the path will be for my goals, but I know the goals will follow the Legacy of my son, Bryant".

So that was my paragraph on Leadership. You continue to teach and touch people Bryant. I get e-mails and notes everyday about how much you continue to be heard. Today, Special Olympics asked if they could honor your memory with a special memorial band on the SO uniforms. The Leadership Group honored you with the Memorial Quote. Your name is everywhere. So, that helps me because you did not live your life as a victim. You lived your life as a person with an agenda and a real purpose. You took 20 years and packed an entire lifetime into them. And you lived with a zeal and zest just unmatched.

So for that I am thankful. Today was beautiful as was yesterday. Spring has sprung. Life is renewed and I can't help but think of you in Springtime. You, Bryant, are all about living.

Weak 3

Well Bryant, counting the days still. I am sure that will last awhile. Things here are hard, getting worse I guess, because it's all sinking in. I am thinking (and reading) that this is completely normal and something you have to work through. Well if anyone knows a thing or two about "working through" it, that would be us, huh? This one is a little tougher though because you aren't here to guide us. Or so it seems. I know I should allow myself to see your life and not the death because that's where the peace will come. I also know, from my newfound preoccupation with the "grief process" that this will also take a long time. Great. Time. It's always about that it seems, huh? You gave us so much time, 20 years. I want to focus on that and what was good about it, which was pretty much everything. I can still see you so clearly and feel your hair, I always loved your incredible head of hair :) Those are happy smiley memories. I am not sure how you did it Bryant, how you lived each day to the fullest without any sadness. That was always the thing that amazed me the most about you, you were always happy and smiling, always ready to share a smile or high five. Always. How can that be? How can I be so lost without you? How can we be so lost? I am thinking we really are not. We are just "disoriented" by your sudden absense. Okay, so now I am not sure what to say. I am not sure how I wrote that. We aren't lost, just disoriented. Okay, so how to orient? That's what it's like. We were going, full steam down the path you had us on, full steam. Just moving, like break-neck speed. And then, all of a sudden, what the ... Bryant is missing from the "path". So, now what? No path appears, just the end. I can't seem to think that Bryant, though I picture, us - waking to find you gone and we are at this cross-roads. Arrows going every way, which way to go? And how to go without you? Like at Disney when we'd be at the Animal Kingdom, so crowded, so hot and look up so disoriented as to where to go???? Which way????? Which attraction? We didn't need no stinkin' map at the Magic Kingdom or even EPCOT. But we did at Animal Kingdom and sometimes at MGM when they would add a new attraction but that's because it was new. Like the path we have to choose now. Do we take the sad, worn down path of tears and unbelievable pain and hurt? Do we need to, for a time? I am not sure. Or do we celebrate your life. That's the question right now. What path, what direction, what "attraction". We are worn out, we are tired, we are hot. But like at Disney, we're still looking at what to do next. Because we have to. Sure, we could leave. But that's not really fun and certainly not your way. We need to find a nice cool relaxing spot and see a show or hop on a slow ride, at least for right now. You always loved Small World, but boy oh boy, could you hold your own on Splash Mtn? So, maybe we are on Small World right now and not ready for the Splash Mtn? Maybe we should let you guide us as you always have? Perhaps. Haps we shall.

Weds.

Hi Bryant :) We went to the Including Samuel film showing at the high school. Nate was there and Christine was there and I was looking at the ramp and the empty hallways and thinking how much you would have loved to be running up and down them (well us running you wheeling ...) but it brought a smile because really you are everywhere in happy thoughts for me. I did a lot of thinking yesterday and listened to Amazing Grace about 100 times, somehow it makes me think of what you are all about. I bought an MP3 player, something I bet you would have loved to be able to have to flip through all the music tunes you loved. Which you did do, on youtube :) Anyway, somehow, you are making me feel better. I am trying to be calmer and "learn to be still" to accept and continue, but I know it's gonna take time and be tough. What can I say, I do not possess your strength. I only learn through it. Something 20 years of teaching surely should have an impact on me ... so I am trying to reflect on what you taught. 20 years Bryant. You really packed a life time into 20 years. Forever thankful I am for all you give.

Another day

Bryant, what can I say? You make me smile. I miss that so much. The emphatic "LOVE YOU" to the "high five" and our famous volume wars. Seems like such a long time ago yet also seems like yesterday. I hope it stays like that "yesterday" because you are always in my mind and heart and constantly in my thoughts. I see your face in everything, like you are everywhere, it's Spring and life is coming back to the air and I see and feel you in it. Today was windy and you would have absolutely loved being outside on your bike. That makes me sad and cry; but I know you'd not want that. So instead I try and cry inside, trying to be thankful for the 20 years we shared and you gave so much to me. I am thankful for that Bryant. They are going to have a showing at GHS for a movie "Including Samuel" about including people with disabilities. It's ironic in a way since you were the pioneer for that back in the day. You didn't care about "inclusion" you just went. Anyway the GHS staff want to dedicate the 2 showings in your honor and I am happy with that because you definitely were all about being "there" being involved and making sure you were included. Who wouldn't want you included? You were always full of life and full of fun. So that was infectious to us and everyone else around. I still look mournfully at your wheelchair and bike, though I know they gave you such independence and freedom and wonder if I could ever part with them. I know you would want someone else to use them to experience that freedom, so we'll see. I think you will guide me, same with the van. You got use out of your stuff Bryant I will say that. You made the best and most of everything and what a gift you have given your mother! I am almost always smiling about some crazy thing we did like our famous trip to Canada and then Six Flags all in the same weekend or our other crazy wild fun adventures. How I miss planning that, because you were always up for another nutty adventure. I love you Bryant and the pain is seering, it is real and it is something I never wanted. I know you would never want me to feel such hurt and I think that's why the happy memories seem to overtake me when I am at the worst. So thank you for that. I love you and miss you. Hana and Christine miss you so much. Nate does too. Emily is so sad but we all try and tell each other how much love we share, still. You are in all of us, again we are blessed like that. It's almost like you were our ladder to perfection, a glimpse into what perfection could be. So thank you. A high five and "volume up". I will let you know how my week goes, I will try to be strong, but don't count on it, you know me. You always have been my strength, always. Love you, Mommy.

Sad

Well Bryant, I miss you, but you know that. I am sad, deeply, deeply wounded but so thankful to have had the incredible fortune to have you for 20 years, yes YEARS. When you were born, we were happy with HOURS. Boy, we got greedy huh? I could use another 20 years with you and then another ...

I am so very sorry to be so sad. I know you hated sadness. You hated crying and you hated anyone being in pain. Even when YOU were the one who was sick or in pain, you tried to make us laugh. I laugh still for you Bryant, but the pain and ache in my heart (which is barely alive) just aches. I hope your spirit can help me get through this. Sometimes I don't see the point anymore. I mean, your sister Emily and Julia miss you and Liam loves and misses you too; Emily is in so much pain also. Julia is sad. Liam, he's Liam. I love them insanely too. They carry me and help me, as you do, but the jags of pain are like sharp glass in my soul. Like someone took the shrapnel and just cut into my very soul and being.

Bryant you gave so much more than you ever received. You continue to give because my thoughts of you are mostly of you smiling and laughing or playing tricks. But why did it have to end? I just want more. I want our family of six again. Here again. I suppose I am selfish, I know it was so hard for you, but you were so full of life, life real life. You embodied everything that life SHOULD be and the irony of the whole thing sometimes makes my head spin with craziness. You were a genuine gift of life, a gift of life and love and we all held it precious for those 20 years, I always knew you are a gift. I am trying Bryant, really trying. I think you'd be very disappointed in my behavior. For that I'm sorry. I feel robbed of those years we would have had together and it makes me angry Bryant. I am soooo angry you had to leave. Not at you. Never at you. I am just so angry mostly. I will try hard to see the love and light Bryant because for 20 years you showed me the light.

Letters to Bryant

This blog started out last year as a way for everyone to follow Bryant's MANY travels and goings-on. He was a busy guy and had a lot to share. Unfortunately, Bryant left us March 21st and my soul barely hangs on. I miss him so much. Perhaps it will be helpful for me to continue to write in his blog letters to him.