Accepting the Unacceptable

Well Bryant, they say in the stages of grief eventually comes acceptance. I was thinking about acceptance and what that means and it occurred to me that perhaps that is what the past 20 years have been all about. Accepting the unacceptable. Do you ever "accept" it? I guess, again, it comes down to the example that you have set over the past 20 years. So many people piss and moan about the simplest of things in life - yet you never complained nor did we. Given the bad news and poor prognosis, 20 years ago, we accepted the unacceptable. You took life by the horns and never accepted "no" - and we followed. Yet, we had to accept the unacceptable, as did you, the pain of surgery, the medical fragility, all of that. And to fathom the unfathomable. At least to the majority of "normal" people, haha. I always get a kick out of that term. And what the hell is so fun about being "normal" anyway???? Sure, I think we could have done without the crap of funky chromosomes, surely for your sake, being able to run and play; but in spite of those challenges, even the trach, you found a way to accept that unacceptable and to fathom the unfathomable. So now, here we are. Missing you and wondering how to accept this completely unacceptable turn of events?!

I was out today on the motorcycle with your father. We went all over the place, even drove by Bodwell Road. That's where our journey with you began. We drove all around the towns and remembered that you have been everywhere, thus you are everywhere I look and that makes me smile. You came, you saw, you did. You did everything. No matter who said you couldn't or wouldn't, you did.

I guess in the grief arena I find myself, perhaps permanently, stuck in anger. Not that I am angry all the time, mind you. Mostly I am at peace because I know you have brought me the epitome of peace. I smile and laugh mostly because of you. That's what you were all about, the driving force behind living a life no matter what was thrown at us, no matter how unfair, no matter how unfathomable or how unacceptable. Yet, it does make me angry and I think anger, in that context, drives me forward. I cannot wallow in despair or pain or grief. That's not what you were about. The anger, though, well that carried me for the 20 years. We would overcome, that was my motto, but without the anger and the drive, the passion, where would we be?

So it is forward, with the anger and the passion that we go. Accepting the unacceptable.
Love, Mommy :}