Wishing Well Handprinting

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Wishing Well

Well Bryant, here is the Wishing Well. The moving (in more than one way) tribute to your generous spirit and personality as well as your intense love of music and art. The Wishing Well will be housed at Goffstown High School and we are going to dedicate it to your memory sometime in the upcoming months.

The Well will benefit the Music & Drama Club(s) at the High School. You loved music and performances so much. Ever since the day you were born! So how fitting of a tribute will that be? So many of your friends were there, it is truly amazing! Melissa, Hana, Christine, Nate, Brian, Kristen among them; The Special Olympics group and DreamCatchers kids and of course, the people who make them - Tamy, Charlene, Nancy ... everyone.

Anyway, it was a nice day, kind of brisk which you would have definitely like. Windy. Of course, you and wind, we know that's a match! Everyone was smiling, laughing happy. Talking about you and how much you loved a good time - laughter, music, smiles.

Time has been flying. It's amazing how time goes by, but then again 20 years with you just went by like that. Definitely wanted / needed more. I did have one major epiphany (again). When you were first born and at the hospital those first few months, during that llooooonnnggg drive home one of the songs that would often come on was "Everything I do, I do it for you" by Brian Adams. We had featured that in the CHAD slideshow that Emily did for the Leadership class because that always reminded me of you. And still does.

When you were in the hospital and that song would come on, the part in the song that says "There's nowhere, unless you're there" really meant so much to me. It was true, as soon as I had you, everything else became a mute point, there WAS definitely nowhere (worth being) unless you were there. It made me so sad to know you were in the hospital and I wondered if you would live to leave that place and if you'd ever have any quality of life.

Well cut to now ... we all know the answer. Yes, you lived to leave the hospital and you certainly had a quality of life. The interesting part of this is that you could change the words now to "there's nowhere that you're NOT there" - I see you everywhere. You did so much, lived so much, gave so much. Like Elton John's Circle of Life says "you should never take more than you give ... in the cirlce of life" and that's another yep moment ... you did not take more than you gave, ever.

And that was so apparent yesterday and I am sure will continue to be as your moving tribute makes the rounds, collect coins and helps, in some way, to give more than it takes. That's your life Bryant, your legacy. So yes, I see you everywhere, remember the things we did, the times we had and true to my hopes and dreams for you when you were first born - there is definitely nowhere unless you're there and you continue to be everywhere.

Love you and miss you - so much so it takes my breath away at time,
Mommy

Dreaming of Bryant

Bryant, I had the most extraorindary dream last night. Mostly, the past six months have been sad dreams, me trying to get back to you and not wanting to accept your leaving. More like nightmares. But last night, I dreamed I saw you and you were in your wheelchair. Daddy was there and we were looking at the Dynamyte and trying to get you to "shake hands" and stuff. I knew it was a dream though and I was thankful to see you smiling that generous smile of yours, thankful for the time I could spend with you.

You stood up in your wheelchair and stepped out of it. Your back and spine were completely straight and your nose was absolutely perfect, your whole face, still you, but in perfection. You told me you were okay and I asked you for a kiss. You smiled at me and then 3 young men (around your age) came into the dream with a basketball! You shook your head and said "I'm going to play basketball MOM! and you were so tall and mature. I smiled at you and then you said "Remember Jehovah".

Bryant it was so much more real than any dream I have ever had.

Praise be to God Jehovah.

Late Summer - 2009

Well a lot has happened this summer. We have been busy doing things, I have been thinking a lot. Always a dangerous thing, haha. Adjusting to life without you here in your physical form. I say that because you are everywhere. I can't ever adjust to "life without you" because that would mean you were never here. There is no life without you. So I adjust to life without you here phsycially. You continue to amaze, awe and inspire me. Some things though, I believe you would be happy to know, I have made peace with. At least a tentative peace - it's pretty fragile actually but peace nonetheless. I had a dream last night. Iwas in an elevator and for some reason just HAD to get to the 4th floor. Try as I might, it would not happen. The elevator kept taking me to different floors, variations on the number 4. I was so frustrated. There were other components to the dream, I should keep a pad by my bed to write this stuff down. Anyway, this part stood out in my mind all day and then it occured to me that the number 4 is the number of kids I have. Someone asked Daddy how many kids he had and at first he said "3" and then said "well 4". I do the same thing. I know it's just conversation in most cases but I cannot stop myself from talking about you. You were here and you did exist and you do matter. Big time to me. and Big time to Daddy, Emily, Julia and Liam.

So ... I realized my dream was about me trying desperately to get back to having my four kids, not three. Hence my realization and somewhat uneasy peace with the fact that I DO have four kids - just one of them is not with me here on Earth physically. It seems I could never let go of you Bryant, ever.

Now, here's the part that I have a very hard time with. I am getting better at this because I realize there is not much I can really do about this thing. People do not understand how much you improved our life. My life. I mean some people get it, but in general, people do not understand how much a unique and generous spirit like you could give. I feel like it's just impossible to ever communicate and I make myself crazy sometimes trying to explain it and have people just look at me like their eyes are gonna just glaze over. I refer to it as living with perfection - that's what it is.

You brought us to another level of life and living and understanding. So no, I can't ever communicate that to someone who hasn't had that experience. You taught us to take the opportunity when it knocked, to seize the day and all those other platitudes that people think are just that. We lived it with you. We had to. And then, my epiphany ... I don't like life lived typically - normally - regular ... it's so much better to live life Bryant-style.

I find myself thinking of you constantly, remembering the amazing 20 years we had. I do not miss the medical stuff, seeing you in pain, seeing you sick. Those memories do not seem to come anyway. When I see you in my mind, I see your face and see us together as a family; but I don't focus on the illness or issues and challenges because for us, your spirit overrode any of that stuff. Your smile and laugh and love of life was contagious.

I also remember that you never seemed to care if someone didn't "get" you, you didn't have time for that. I know for me it's a battle that I think I can now let go. I think it would be harder for me if you had cared at all about any of that stuff. You didn't. Another lesson learned and lived Bryant-style.

I was listening to the radio and heard "vincent" by Don McLean. It made me think of you - and how you lived such an incredible life but the words "the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you" really is a line that could have been written for you - because it really is how I feel about you.