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BRYANT DAVID PAQUETTE 2/89 ~ 3/09
Hi Bryant. My mind is going and going and going .... it's like a Thesaurus gone wild. Plus, superhighways of words / thoughts / feelings. All expected since your birthday is Wednesday. Tomorrow, however, is the day I stopped feeling you move and went to the ER.
I Blogged yesterday about grief and stuff but today I am thinking about clouds. I was out driving around the other day with Liam and he says "Do you ever look at the clouds and see things". And I am thinking "not anymore" ... but I looked up into the sky and there they were, clouds ... Liam went on to say what he thought they looked like and I couldn't help but wonder how many times you played that game in your mind. I also made a mental note to start looking at the clouds again :)
I have also decided on a new challenge which is to try and be more grateful for the Grace and Goodness and the Magic you bestowed upon us. If I remain still enough, I can see so many things. It's just so hard to do. My mind is always going and I am working on slowing it down to try and realize the beauty in things as simple as clouds. Liam's question jolted me back into the life of a child, the time when things seem so new and so interesting. That's how it was with you, every day, you made us really "see".
As your birthday gets closer, I am always reminded of the chaos that ensued when you were delivered. Our entire lives changed in that instant and far more than we ever imagined was then put into play. I remember saying to Daddy "You know, he doesn't seem like a baby" ... trailing off to try and figure out what that meant ... I was a new mom and you were a baby but something was different (aside from the medical stuff obviously). So we looked at you in the NICU and both nodded, still not entirely sure what we were seeing.... I know now. You were a Spirit Guide. Your physical body was in rough shape, to the point that you were not supposed to live 24 hours and when you did that, we were told you would never have purposeful movement.
But you did. Everything you did was purposeful and somehow you had this unique way of leading and teaching. You were ever the clever one ~ usually quite amused by my off-the-wall personality. I distinctly recall your face in the hospital the time the doctor was messing with us. Daddy had stayed with you overnight and the Drama was only getting worse. The Attending apparently thought he walked on water, but I had a different opinion of him ... which caused the final showdown. And your face. I remember I walked into your room and the doctor followed and your face said it all "Oh Foolish Man, You are in for some serious schooling ~ My Mother Is Here". And so it was. By the end of that day, Administration was involved and the Doctor who thought he walked on water was ordered to offer a full apology.
You might say, in many ways during your life, I was the "backup" to you, a cute little kitten. And then, riding around looking at the clouds, it has occurred to me now that YOU are the backup now. You have left me physically, but are all around me. You left nothing untouched with your 20 years. The fact that you survived defies any explanation. There are children born with far fewer issues than you had who never get the 20 years you got; and certainly not the action packed, fun-filled, traveling the country life. When I am at my lowest points Bryant, I think about you and marvel at what you have set up for me. I truly do believe you were and are my Spirit Guide and you certainly knew something we did not ~ your spiritual being was closely in tune with all things spiritual, and that I would say is the greatest gift you ever gave to me.
It's hard to put into words what it's like to see it, to view perfection and see the Grace of God that intimately. I always wondered what it was like in Moses' Day, to see him part the Red Sea or what it was like to see the Apostles and the miracles.... but I don't really have to wonder because it was clearly evident in your daily life.
So, in a couple days, you will be 23. 20 of those years were spent here on Earth with us. Yet you continue to inspire and touch the lives of the people you knew and those you did not know. You continue to make me a better person and to try and live the way you did, without hatred, without meanness and without Anger. Instead, you lived with Grace and Hope and Love. So to me, that is now my challenge .... to try and continue to keep the memories and vision of your life front and present. Clearly you carried us for a long time Bryant. And in so many ways, you continue to. I have signs and gifts from you all the time. Yet somehow, it is never enough because I just miss you so much and therein begins the downward spiral.
A life well-lived, with purpose and focus. I have occasionally drifted from the Life Lessons but your siblings have found ways to bring me back to some type of focus. Right now it's in the clouds :)
Love You xo xo Miss You and I am sure I will be blogging this week particularly and probably most of March ...
BRYANT DAVID PAQUETTE 2/89 ~ 3/09
Hi Bryant. My mind is going and going and going .... it's like a Thesaurus gone wild. Plus, superhighways of words / thoughts / feelings. All expected since your birthday is Wednesday. Tomorrow, however, is the day I stopped feeling you move and went to the ER.
I Blogged yesterday about grief and stuff but today I am thinking about clouds. I was out driving around the other day with Liam and he says "Do you ever look at the clouds and see things". And I am thinking "not anymore" ... but I looked up into the sky and there they were, clouds ... Liam went on to say what he thought they looked like and I couldn't help but wonder how many times you played that game in your mind. I also made a mental note to start looking at the clouds again :)
I have also decided on a new challenge which is to try and be more grateful for the Grace and Goodness and the Magic you bestowed upon us. If I remain still enough, I can see so many things. It's just so hard to do. My mind is always going and I am working on slowing it down to try and realize the beauty in things as simple as clouds. Liam's question jolted me back into the life of a child, the time when things seem so new and so interesting. That's how it was with you, every day, you made us really "see".
As your birthday gets closer, I am always reminded of the chaos that ensued when you were delivered. Our entire lives changed in that instant and far more than we ever imagined was then put into play. I remember saying to Daddy "You know, he doesn't seem like a baby" ... trailing off to try and figure out what that meant ... I was a new mom and you were a baby but something was different (aside from the medical stuff obviously). So we looked at you in the NICU and both nodded, still not entirely sure what we were seeing.... I know now. You were a Spirit Guide. Your physical body was in rough shape, to the point that you were not supposed to live 24 hours and when you did that, we were told you would never have purposeful movement.
But you did. Everything you did was purposeful and somehow you had this unique way of leading and teaching. You were ever the clever one ~ usually quite amused by my off-the-wall personality. I distinctly recall your face in the hospital the time the doctor was messing with us. Daddy had stayed with you overnight and the Drama was only getting worse. The Attending apparently thought he walked on water, but I had a different opinion of him ... which caused the final showdown. And your face. I remember I walked into your room and the doctor followed and your face said it all "Oh Foolish Man, You are in for some serious schooling ~ My Mother Is Here". And so it was. By the end of that day, Administration was involved and the Doctor who thought he walked on water was ordered to offer a full apology.
You might say, in many ways during your life, I was the "backup" to you, a cute little kitten. And then, riding around looking at the clouds, it has occurred to me now that YOU are the backup now. You have left me physically, but are all around me. You left nothing untouched with your 20 years. The fact that you survived defies any explanation. There are children born with far fewer issues than you had who never get the 20 years you got; and certainly not the action packed, fun-filled, traveling the country life. When I am at my lowest points Bryant, I think about you and marvel at what you have set up for me. I truly do believe you were and are my Spirit Guide and you certainly knew something we did not ~ your spiritual being was closely in tune with all things spiritual, and that I would say is the greatest gift you ever gave to me.
It's hard to put into words what it's like to see it, to view perfection and see the Grace of God that intimately. I always wondered what it was like in Moses' Day, to see him part the Red Sea or what it was like to see the Apostles and the miracles.... but I don't really have to wonder because it was clearly evident in your daily life.
So, in a couple days, you will be 23. 20 of those years were spent here on Earth with us. Yet you continue to inspire and touch the lives of the people you knew and those you did not know. You continue to make me a better person and to try and live the way you did, without hatred, without meanness and without Anger. Instead, you lived with Grace and Hope and Love. So to me, that is now my challenge .... to try and continue to keep the memories and vision of your life front and present. Clearly you carried us for a long time Bryant. And in so many ways, you continue to. I have signs and gifts from you all the time. Yet somehow, it is never enough because I just miss you so much and therein begins the downward spiral.
A life well-lived, with purpose and focus. I have occasionally drifted from the Life Lessons but your siblings have found ways to bring me back to some type of focus. Right now it's in the clouds :)
Love You xo xo Miss You and I am sure I will be blogging this week particularly and probably most of March ...





















