Bryant's birthday

Today, February 1st, 2010, you are 21. Amazing. We miss you so much. I think about you every day and how amazing you were ~ so I guess it was kind of suprising to find myself so upset yesterday.

We have the Wishing Well here. We are putting the sound system in for the big show, Aida that the school is putting on. It's going to have Wizard of Oz sound-bites. You would so approve ! Kathy was here yesterday. She put her handprint on the Well. We talked about you.

So it was kind of suprising to find myself, suddenly, almost on my knees. I felt like I had the wind actually knocked out of me. I was overcome with incredible grief and it was just almost-all consuming. I had to lie down. To say it came out of nowhere ~ well that wouldn't be true, I guess it has been brewing for some time. I am still angry, very angry. I miss you so much and so, of course, all the emotions probably just were waiting there to kind of steam roll me. I use that term because it reminds me of the way daddy used to do the steam roller on you and how i would scream at him to BE CAREFUL! and you would laugh and laugh and sign more, more, more! You loved it! Not sure whether it was the steam rolling or me screaming !

Anyway, it is all so clear. The day you were born. I was so scared, so unaware of the incredible journey about to unfold. So for 20 years, we lived the life of Bryant. All of us so incredibly blessed to have known you. For me, you just shine on. I came to that conclusion, I have to let you shine, even now, to not try and hold on to you. For you are everywhere and I see you everywhere. I smile and imagine you right next to me ~ you are such a bright light to me.

Emily is my pal. She misses you too, as does Julia. We talk about you often and mostly laugh about the stuff we did. I am generally okay.

So, today you are 21. The human spirit is an amazing thing Bryant. But of course, you know this. Daddy and I recall that day, you were no more than 2 months old, still in the NICU at the hospital, but you had graduated to a crib, which meant you might live, there was hope. We had, by then, accumulated quite the stash of stuffed animals. So we placed them all around you, in your new crib-bed (you had previously been in an isollett). We were so impressed, you surrounded by the cute cuddly stuffed animals. Picture time! So we snapped away and you looked utterly unimpressed. Of course, you put up with us ! But your face, your eyes, it was like "Come on people!" And I remember looking into your eyes and I said to your father "You know, he doesn't seem like a baby" - it was in that moment, little did I know, just an observation but you did not seem like a baby. I cannot explain it. And your father said "yeah I know" ~ but that was you Bryant. Wise beyond your years.

Sometimes I feel like I could use some wisdom, I wonder how to go on ~ just wishing I could find that certainty. Most days are good; but boy, talk about being God-Smacked. I know you and your incredible spirit - you would find it silly and foolish. I try and take my lessons from your life - how you lived and loved. Thankfully, I have Emily, Julia and Liam. And Daddy of course! I see your face in his.

Emily has patience with me most of the time. She and you are alike in that way :)

So Bryant, I miss you lots and lots. But, of course, you know that.

Love,
Mommy

Wishing Well - My thoughts

So we had the Dedication of the Wishing Well at the Winter Concert by the Goffstown High School band. Charlene said a few words about you and your life. I could not go up - it would have been too hard for me. I find comfort in the fact that you would be very happy that I did not go up and blab endlessly since you were not one for sitting through boring lectures. I could picture you being there saying "GET ON WITH THE MUSIC!" You loved music so much. Anyway, we sat in the theatre, the same seats we sat in with you when we saw Grease and Peter Pan and Wizard of Oz and so forth. All the music and plays we had seen through the years. It was very nice. Melissa was there. She brought the plaque - she had a quote from the Wizard of Oz on it - it really speaks volumes to your life. The Goffstown News and the New Boston Bulletin both ran articles about you, your life, love of music and on-going legacy.

We miss you so much. I think about you all the time and seem to be able to think of millions of reasons to talk about you. You did so much, accomplished so much and gave so much. So I guess it would make sense that you would be ever-present.

I find myself thinking about things Bryant and really understanding so much more about you, us, and our lives. I know it's an on-going process, but somehow that's a great thing, because you are always in my thoughts and our conversation and therefore our lives. You made sure of that in all you gave to us.

So in honor of a life well lived and a life defined by those who love you - we dedicated the Wishing Well.

Love you so much,
Mommy

Dedication - Wishing Well

Dedication

Wishing Well Handprinting

More Pics!

More Wishing Well pics